


Commitments and Consequences

by BelovedWithKindness



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Actual plot, Anal Sex, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Bisexual Spencer Reid, Bottom Spencer Reid, Casual Sex, Delusions, Derek Morgan's Past Abuse, Eventual Derek Morgan x Spencer Reid, Explicit Sexual Content, Gay Sex, Kidnapping, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Molestation, Murder, Non-Consensual Touching, Past Abuse of Unsub, Past Child Abuse, Plot, Serial Killers, Sexual Assault, Slow Burn, Top Derek Morgan, Top OMC, Violence, Worth It, m/m - Freeform, male x male, poor Spencer Reid
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:28:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 42,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24616075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BelovedWithKindness/pseuds/BelovedWithKindness
Summary: Having grieved for Maeve but still vulnerable in his own life, and with his long time feelings for Derek Morgan still not acted upon, Spencer Reid begins to take casual partners; but when someone becomes wholly too interested in our boy genius and a new case hits the BAU where the only connection between the victims is a shared bed with Reid, the hunt is on to catch a possessive unsub before more lives are lost.Eventual Derek Morgan x Spencer Reid, some OMC x Spencer Reid at first, mostly focusing on the case at hand and plenty of plot, I have tried to make it an exciting story fro the BAU Team to handle.
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Morgan/Reid, OMC/Spencer Reid, Unsub/Spencer Reid
Comments: 139
Kudos: 330





	1. Praise

It all started with Spencer Reid sat in coffee shop, book bag by his feet and despite his prolific nature in reading and ability to reread pages with enthusiasm he found himself bored and unable to focus, retracing over a page he couldn’t absorb despite knowing every work already, it wasn’t an unpleasant feeling, just a little stuck and not his usual sharp minded self. It had been a while now since Maeve’s death, he’d gone through the stages of moping in his home, thinking non-stop to finally being able to breathe, returned to work and ventured outside casually, every time a little easier than the last. The realisation alone quite significant that he had, after a very difficult time…he had let Maeve go. He had loved her, still held love for her, but accepted her as a love lost. 

But the next step? She would have wanted him to live a happy life, that part was far from easy. Not because he couldn't imagine being with another eventually, or that they'd be compared to Maeve, but because time after time in Reid’s life, new ways were found to pull the rug out from under him. Maeve being the most recent, he was either incredibly unlucky or something was wrong with him, being a man of logic he felt inclined to the latter. Yet again he realised his eyes had stilled on the page, no progress made and so he stopped to take a sip of coffee, the scent helping his mind settle a little better. 

Hearing a slight hum from his bag he checked his phone for texts, Derek Morgan, the man’s efforts only comparable to JJ’s in regularly checking up on him causing a bittersweet smile. Case and point for how messed up he was, the most handsome, popular man he’d harboured feelings for for years and one of his best friends, he felt lucky to just be that, and of course these extra feelings were wasted on the most heterosexual hunk in the country. No logic there, just butterflies in his stomach at the warm gazes, an excited electricity in his nerves with every touch and a swell in his heart at his affectionate words. Just Derek being a man of kindness of course, perhaps playful considering the nicknames, but he knew it had to be no different between them as it was with Derek and Penelope, and even then Reid was male and he had never once seen Derek interested in anyone but gorgeous ladies.

“Hi there…” came a friendly voice and Reid was startled, visibly flinching but luckily not tumbling his coffee. Having been brought to abruptly from his thoughts and under a stranger’s gaze his face heat up in a little embarrassment but the man smoothly calmed him down. “Sorry, didn't mean to spook you, I just wanted to say hi, you looked a little lost there” and finally Spencer turned his gaze fully to the friendly man in front of him who patiently waited for a response. Whoever he was he possessed very handsome features, older, dark hair with the tiniest whip of silver in his stubble, but very fit. If he had to guess form his studies on faces and genetics he would guess a grandparent was Korean, and form the accent he likely lived in the Mid-Atlantic states, if he had to guess perhaps Delaware.

“Uh, no problem, I was in my own head” Reid admitted shyly.

The man was instantly friendly and charming, he never took a seat he wasn’t invited to, but introduced himself as Michael and said how much he liked the name Spencer when he was told it, he asked what book the younger man was reading and from there he was invited to sit and the conversation flowed. Eventually Reid found himself in that social cornering of not knowing how much to say, he’d insinuated he hadn’t been out much for a while and when that was pressed he explained about Maeve, not in great detail but didn’t shy away from the fact that she was shot. 

“I’m so sorry for your loss, that’s awful, how long were you together?” Michaels caring voice was genuine and Reid found that he liked having someone listen that wasn’t heavy hearted or overly dutiful, he might never see Michael again and he kind of enjoyed the light exchange. The tone never got sad or low, he had a habit of making things awkward, but instead they volleyed and talked positively. 

“Just over six months, it know it doesn't seem long bu-“ 

“A fantastic hour can make someone important to you, six months is plenty to miss,” came the reassuring words form Michael and from there Reid completely put away his book into his bag and they engaged in conversation, mostly about books and some about life though no great specifics were given. After a few jokes and the pair became significantly more comfortable, pretty sure the other was genuinely as they seemed, came the first moment of Michael turning a little unsure “I can’t help this, nah, never mind.” 

“What?” Reid asked with a smile, curiously. 

“I hope this doesn't offend, but I was a little surprised to hear you had a girlfriend” came the words carefully.

“I’m not a jock and look young, I get i-’” Reid naturally said understanding he might come across thoroughly awkward and solitary but he was interrupted by a surprised Michael saying he had misunderstood. 

“No, not at all, sorry, I meant I thought you might say ‘boyfriend’, gay-dar really was a myth, huh” he explained sheepishly and hoped he hadn’t offended the younger too badly.

“Oh,” Spencer realised just what was being asked, “well it’s not completely off, I'm not totally straight, no offence taken.” Reid was either bi or pan, he had never explored enough of the topic to know or care which really, he just knew that if Maeve had been male he would have loved that mind and person regardless but also could find physical attributes, masculine or feminine, to be visually attractive. 

“That’s a relief” Michael said, glad o have not alienated Spencer, “I have a tendency to be a little too bold. and for what its worth, no…you’re not a jock, but I think you're gorgeous” came the smooth compliment and an instant blush attacked his skin, polite chat turned unexpectedly to something more flirtatious, though Reid had to remind himself how blind he could be to such advances and it might have been flirtatious from the start. “And before you dismiss it, I mean it, whoever made you think you didn’t look utterly datable had really poor taste. their loss” he said with a smile and sipped his own coffee. 

“Well, thank you…” he accepted and did not discourage the development in their chat and so it began, Michael talked a little about himself, but slid in compliments to Spencer wherever he could and eventually “you got anywhere to be?” was asked.

“My day off” Reid answered.

“I wish that was the same for me, got work at 12” which meant just over a couple hours “and id really like to get to kn-“

“I’m really not in a place to be dating people right now, not like that” Reid blurted, the idea of Michael asking to go on a date and having to say no an instant unpleasantness in his soul, and he worried he may have lead him on too much or just made everything awkward, he had just enjoyed the light talking and even the flirting as they were. 

“That’s fine, you don’t want a date” Michael summarised, taking it in stride when he smiled gently and asked quietly so just the two of them could hear “if you’re not looking for a boyfriend now, or ever…what about just sex?” 

Reid nearly choked on his coffee at what Michael just so brazenly suggested, but the eye contact and body language had Spencer realise he was serious, he’d never had a relationship that was just sex, and certainly never where the offer was so very forward “you did say you were bold” Reid said with a smile only making the older man smirk.

“You don't have to, obviously, I just think you're really hot and I'm single so…worth a shot, no answer needed anyway, I could give you my numbe-”

“You got time right now?” Spencer cut him off, sure it seemed reckless but others did it all the time, how many women had Derek or Rossi taken home from bars over the years, others had college flings and whatever else in their pasts, and while he felt nervous i also felt needed. To feel something, he was always so safe and a fat lot of good that ever did him, so maybe something fun and just that could happen. 

“For you, absolutely.”

* * *

Michael’s apartment was nearby, Reid couldn’t help but be in his head over what he’d just agreed to, but the man seemed kind and certainly patient so tried to tell himself to just stay calm and have some fun for once. The house was neat from what he saw, but that wasn’t much as the moment the door closed Michael stood in front of him and confidently swooped in for a kiss. It was his first time with a man, the kissing alone different from being with a woman, the strong jaw, the height, the broad shoulders, he felt surrounded by the man and those alone turned him on more than he would have expected. The large hands so completely held his hips and being pressed against the fit, solid body sent a shiver up his spine.

Instinctually he found himself kissing back but never dominating, as Michael’s tongue deepened the kiss a moan escaped him and before he could think to be embarrassed Michael pulled away and said in a gruff voice “I’d romance you as long as you wanted if we had more time, you want to take this to the bedroom?” and with a smile Reid nodded before Michael lead the way. With more kisses and clothing stripped garment by garment falling to the floor, the rough sensation of stubble over pale skin as kisses, nips and nibbled trailed down the younger’s neck and chest had Spencer breathless and with some excitement the genius found himself pinned on the bed beneath the mature man.

“You done this before?” Michael asked without judgement, at that moment also running one hand over Reid’s clothed erection and taking a pink nipple into his mouth playfully. 

Deciding to be truthful with what little blood was still in his brain, fingers in Michael’s dark hair enjoying all the sensations waling over his body, something so pleasing about letting his mind wander and just have the weight of another on top of him, when Michael started to grind against him with a heavy clothed erection Reid couldn’t think straight but made sure to get the words out. “N-not…with a man, I’ve never…” he wasn’t made to say the rest when particularly delicious friction between them made both moan. 

The newbie was treated with care, Michael mentioning he had been a ‘daddy’ to a fair few and despite his innocence the agent was aware of the slang and knowing what it meant from cases with in the gay community and Reid was thankful for the guidance the experienced man provided. His mind took a backseat for a little while, he didn't have t think, just feel, under more experienced hands he he found himself stripped bare completely and wanting to show his newbie how to suck cock, first by showing how it was done, took the younger man’s member into his mouth with vigour. The noises escaping that pale throat were noting short of pornographic and better yet as they were completely real. How he spread his legs in neediness screamed a natural bottom, and taking a moment from sucking to tell him such made the younger’s skin flush redder. And though in some insecurity Reid momentarily thought he should protest, perhaps try to claim some position as though it made him more in control, he decided against it, he knew how silly it was, a shallow grasp for the ego and he couldn't deny his urge to be fucked into the mattress and just how good he already felt. How he didn't want to think or be responsible for a little while. 

The stubble against his skin only made him quiver and chase the friction, shallow thrusts into the older man’s mouth with cute little moans the whole time served to make both hard as hell. While he was a good teacher, they didn’t exactly have all day, and so the older man reached into his bedside drawer never leaving his task bobbing over the younger’s desperate cock and found a small bottle of lube. Reid knew what was next and tensed a little, nerves getting the better of him as he entered untrodden territory not just in sex but for his body alone, but as a slick finger teased his hole he gasped in excitement and sensation. Slowly the finger pushed inside, swallowed by the tight heat of Spencer’s virginity and started to thrust in and out being sure to let him relax and loosen up. 

“You alright there, Spencer?” Michael asked in a low voice after ceasing his sucking, the fingering not missing a beat and he watched Reid’s hardness leak against his abdomen in quite the erotic sight. A second finger prodded his rim before pressing inside along the other, immediately scissoring and stretching the young man drawing out a breathy moan. The stretch burning ever so slightly but Reid had experienced much, much worse and the pleasure overwhelmed any complaints.

“Mmhm…good” he managed to voice, a little self conscious lying on strangers bed, he could tell the man smoked as he could smell it faintly on the sheets, and though he thoroughly disliked it he enjoying knowing it didn’t matter, there was no commitment and he didn’t mind it for a little while. Adding a third finger Spencer bite his lip as the digits pushed against tight muscles and he wondered how the hell Michael was even going to fit, but despite the discomfort for some unknown reason he enjoyed that just as much as any gentility. Instinctually Spencer spread his legs and before he could grow bashful a large hand pressed to his thigh holding it there “you like that? so hot…” and the fingers pressed deeper inside of him, hitting a spot that made Spencer see stars.

The sensation unlike anything he’d felt before, he'd heard of this but never felt it; this ‘daddy’ knew what he was doing, playing Reid’s body like a fiddle with talented fingers and even once prepared he took the time to stop, pulling his fingers out leaving a whimpering Reid with an empty, wet feeling inside. Moving to stand by the bed Michael pulled down his boxers and revealed the large dick and gestured for Spencer to get closer. With a dazedness but eager to learn he did as asked, Michael’s words of “doing so well, now I want you to try with me, go slow” spurring him on. 

With a gulp the profiler shyly took the head into his mouth, careful of his teeth and familiarising with the weight against his tongue. He felt a little awkward at first but the older man didn't laugh, he appreciated every part and muttering words of praise and advice and quickly the younger was showing a natural flair. He went from focusing and unsure to bobbing, sucking, tonguing the slit and humming around the large cock in his mouth, the moans form the older man felt good to hear, just as any words of praise he knew he was doing something right. Manly hands guided his movements and eventually Michael decided Spencer was confident enough that he could buck and thrust into the eager little mouth. 

The fast learner surprised the older when he combined tonguing the slit with a strong suck and swallowing a great deal of the hard dick at once making him buck hard and without control, Spencer choked slightly but recovered quickly “sorry, Spencer, felt too good, you okay?” he asked gruffly only for Spencer to suck him harder. “Fuck, quick learner huh” breathlessly complimenting him. “All fours and face the head board” came the abrupt command and after locking eyes, a moan escaping the older man at the sight, Spencer let the cock leave his lips in one slow suck along the shaft. Obeying, he moved onto a better position on the plush bed on all fours and felt very exposed like he could sense the eyes tracing his body. Before self consciousness could settle in fingers at his entrance again made any thoughts fade away, looking over his shoulder enough to see Michael lube up his member and guide head to the brunette's backside. 

Slowly pushing inside of the younger man, hands massaging Spencer’s hips as he firmly inched the thick cock deeper, a gentle knee nudged the long legs further apart and Spencer let out a gasp at the sensation of being breeched for the first time. In the mixture of pleasure and tension Spencer’s mind went completely blank, even in his sleep that never happened, and his own hardness throbbed at the flurry of different sensations running through his body. Both breathless and panting already Michael was only half way inside when he started thrusting in shallow movements seeking some relief while also loosening up the virgin passage. 

Reid felt the rod inside him start to inch deeper every few thrusts but all he could focus on was taking what was given to him, pressing back against the thick cock in rhythm and the sound of flesh against flesh. Eventually Michael sheathed himself fully inside the tight virgin heat and a strangled gasp left the lithe young man at feeling so full and stretched. “So good, doing so well, taking all of me like that” came the gruff praise that made Spencer’s dick throb and when a hand snaked around his body and started playing with an erect nipple playfully and that dick hit a powerful bundle of nerves inside him he became a mewling mess under the older man.. 

“Keep talking, please” the genius whispered, thrusting back to meet the forceful hips behind him, his mind only thinking far enough to know how much he liked hearing those words.

“You like that? Hearing how much I like being buried inside you, taking your virginity and how good you look riding my cock” the daddy all but growled in the younger’s ear receiving a deep, needy moan. A pressure built in Spencer’s groin and he knew he was close, Michael wasn't even touching his cock yet but every time he hit that spot inside him the world just melted away and became brighter, more vibrant and the moans escaping his lips he was only half aware were his own. 

“Fuck” Spencer swore uncharacteristically, the slap of flesh against flesh obscene and as Michael reached his hand lower, trailing teasingly over Spencer’s flat stomach to take hold of the weeping cock, stroking it firmly Spencer’s lewd moans left nothing tot he neighbour’s imaginations. “I’m glad you're not a jock,” Michael started, “it looks so good, your little ass taking all of my dick, like you were made for it” and as the hand moved from his hip knowing full well Spencer would continue riding him hard and fast the groped the younger man’s ass, massaging the flesh there.

Muttering nonsensical nothings Spencer was in a hazy bliss “hmn…fu- c-close” he managed and to his joy heard Michael continue his erotic praise. “You really are a needy little bottom aren't you, such a talented little slut” and with just the right slam of the hips against his prostate and that unrelenting stroking hand Spencer came with a moan, his whole body tensing and shuddering as the pleasure overwhelmed him. “Good boy” Michael whisperedknowing Spencer had climaxed across the sheets and still continued to buck against him, Spencer felt on cloud nine, in his daze he still noticed Michael’s hips pick up pace, hips ramming against him and quickly become erratic in rhythm. 

There was an unexpected excitement as Michael just focused on using him to reach his own climax, to bury himself deep inside the slim brunette to seek his finish, thrusting, deep and desperate before coming, wetness splashing inside of the younger man’s body and both panting hard as they rode out their orgasms. Spencer all bus collapsed on the bed, avoiding the wet spot his knees felt wobbly and hands uncoordinated, Michael meanwhile turned the younger to kiss him, devouring his lips as he continued to grind through the last of his climax before carefully pulling out.

The experience of that alone quite a realisation for Spencer, to suddenly feel himself be so open and used, empty almost. “You, Spencer have a real talent,” chuckled Michael still panting, and while they continued to kiss it was more about chasing contact and pleasure than anything longing which Spencer was grateful for.After taking some time to get their breathing back to normal the pair found themselves seated not he edge of the bed, Spencer careful of his tender bottom.

“You think so?” Spencer replied with a tired smile.

“Yeah, I know so,” Michael reassured, and continued to give him several compliments, careful of the first timer and letting him know that he really did do a fantastic job when Michael’s eyes fell on his alarm clock “uh, not to be a dick but I need to get showered and-” 

“No, of course, don't be late” Spencer spoke in a friendly tone, feeling a little odd hanging around and completely nude he felt some relief that he wasn’t expected to be overly social despite what had just occurred between them, it really was the balance he needed in his life right now.

“You were great, I’ll give you my number before you go” Michael said placing a hot kiss to Spencer’s cheek.

“Go on, get showered” Reid said and the older man felt a bit better about nipping away so quickly.

Reid felt a slight giddiness thinking about the unexpected events of his morning, he had fun and it went great, to top it off he was awkward and didn't do small talk, and post coital cuddling? for someone special perhaps, but otherwise it was just uncomfortable, with these flings and one night stands? he started to understand why some people liked them so much, it wasn’t about a notch on his bed post or any machismo thing, but he felt good, sated for a while and not bogged down i his thoughts. 

Standing on shaky legs up Spencer hazily went about picking up his clothes and getting dressed clumsily at times but eventually did manage to look not quite so debauched. He figured Michael wouldn’t mind him borrowing the hairbrush to quickly fix his sex hair and as Spencer returned it to it’s place he gazed at the dishevelled bed. It’s obscenely used sheets and his own seed spilled across it, and better yet he didn't have to deal with it, he had been praised for it, and letting out a deep breath he heard the man in the shower and decided he needn't even stick around. Instead he found a pen and memo pad and wrote down his number along with a small note of “thanks for the lesson, had a greta time but need to get going, Spencer” even thought he only place he had to go was his own home to relax and read, and with all his things he left the apartment feeling lighter than he had in a long, long time. 

* * *

The rest of the day all he focused on were his own needs, at times he just stood daydreaming, and not about Maeve or his problems as he was accustomed, just going over the fun of it, how good it felt and still felt in him. He was sore but he was thoroughly satisfied, the ache like a physical echo of his morning and he enjoyed every bit of it. Furthermore he wasn't worried for any pleasure received, usually good things came at a cost for him, instead that evening when he received the voicemail from Michael saying how he had enjoyed teaching him and to call any time he wanted ‘extra credit’ or just to ‘practice’ to feel free and call. Spencer knew he could and have a good time, or not and be left alone without stress or pressure to act on anything, both options, and the very fact that those were his options, light and fun and on his own terms, he liked.

That was just the beginning, after working another case he soon he found himself at the library, a man he’d seen there a few times called Nick whom had outright asked him on a date before had Spencer wondering if he could learn from Michael’s boldness as well as the bedroom. So he said a polite hello and started to chat, eventually finding the right window to ask directly if after his shift he wanted to have some fun, not a date, just fun. Like a blur he somehow went from flirting to on the man’s couch being screwed relentlessly into the cushions, legs over the Nick’s broad shoulders and moaning lewdly. And so it began, taking casual lovers and one night stands. Other’s found their time to experiment and get wild and this was Spencer’s. He never resorted to chat rooms or anything of the sort, beyond being a technophobe he knew the risks, not just of online connections but from taking away the accountably of being local. Some would think that was the last thing you want, for anyone to know, but it made things safer, also Virginia was a big place with lots of people, and seeing the odd person around was an instant factor to increase safety and true enough nothing bad seemed to happen. 

He may have misjudged some characters, he always attracted a top and was able to sate his needs but having had a gentle introduction he found some could be rough, but he didn't mind, in fact it felt good, knowing someone was pounding into him, finding tier release in him and equally he could withstand it and enjoy it without consequences. One man he’d had to tell he wasn't into ‘humiliation talk’ and instead liked to be praised, it was easily done after than and any roughness in his thrusts or handling more than welcomed so long as he was told he was a ‘good boy’ for taking it so well. He knew what he was doing, he wasn't blind, but just like some take a hobby however inconvenient to distract from the challenges of life - that’s what he was doing, and as for the kink there were far worse ones as a consenting adult with other consenting adults. Soon enough he had a prolific few months of new lovers, a couple he didn't even know their names and for a guy not great at networking quickly realised the power of asking about friends that would be into a one night stand, one guy could lead him to another three and so on. It was a hobby that was flexible around work, and didn't feel like it took more than it gave.

It was one Thursday afternoon that Spencer was getting dressed and ready to go meet for another casual encounter, revisiting a reliable good time with Michael, when he was ready to go he heard a knock at the door and hoped it was just a parcel or something just as simple. Instead as Spencer opened the door to reveal a very, and consistently, handsome Derek Morgan he was brought from his thoughts to his unexpected company “oh hey, Derek, what’s up?” 

With a warm smile to make your heart melt Morgan lightly spoke “nuthin’ much, pretty boy, just swingin’ by to check you're alright, you going somewhere?” noticing the younger man was dressed complete with shoes on his day off, usually if he was to lounge about the house he did so in his oddly matched socks.

“Uh, I was going to the library, just for some quiet time” Spencer lied but kept his tone light.

“You want some company?”

“Um, no I’m good, thanks though, I would rather just get lost in a good book.”

Accepting his lie Spencer felt a little guilty, and while he knew friends often shared tales of their exploits it really wasn’t something Spencer was wanting to share but he did give Morgan his time and the pair chatted. There came a point where the conversation shifted and Morgan made sure to let Spencer know “you know you can talk to me right, boy wonder?” before bringing him into a comforting, but friendly, hug. It kind of hurt to be hugged by him sometimes, especially now as Reid knew how good it could feel with a man, his ideas of being with Morgan all that more vivid, but if all they could ever be was friends he’d count himself lucky.

Derek meanwhile missed Reid something terrible, sure they had cases together but something was off and any excuse to be in the man’s company was great, he’d had feelings for Spencer for a long time, longer than even he had fully realised. At first he thought it was just a friendly thing, amazed by him and that impossible mind of his, but as time went on the ache for him got harder to deal with, or rather to ignore. When he'd realised about the genius’ relationship with Maeve, how brilliantthey both were, instantly he felt intimidated by just what type of person Reid seemed to be taken with. As smart as Derek was or strategic as he could be, he wasn’t a genius like them and so he just continued to be the best friend he could be for Spencer.

“Yeah I know, thanks Derek” Spencer said softly trying o look anywhere but those dark, warm eyes and both were about to leave earn both phones went off, with a sigh neither needed to look to know just what that meant - a new case. 

“Work never ends, huh?”

* * *

Reid felt the creeping unpleasantness of frustration as he made his way into the BAU headquarters, he’d found a quick moment to cancel with Michael, they’d made the plans in the morning and Michael would have only just finished work as Reid left his home so hopefully he saw the text message quickly and was not too disappointed for the evening. It wasn’t so much about the sex, though that was definitely fun, but most of all he looked forward to a long session of letting his mind wander and be thoroughly distracted and instead he’d be doing the opposite, at least it was for work which was interesting and potentially did some good and not just focusing on his personal issues. 

“You okay, pretty boy?” Morgan asked quietly, noticing him being in his own mind even more than usual. 

“Yeah, just tired” Spencer tried and although Derek didn't fully buy it he decided not to press and focus was quickly stolen as everyone seated and Hotch and Garcia started the briefing. 

Hotch started in his usual stoic manner “we have a local case, four murders all with the same methodology over the last two weeks, all murders were committed in the victims homes and their living rooms, most lived alone or with a roommate and the attacks were committed when the victim was alone with no signs of forced entry. The killer is male, we know this as he left traces of semen at the scene.” 

It was then that Penelope pressed for the screen to fill with images of the murder scenes, the first set of photos mostly close up shots of mutilations done to the bodies including violent and repeated stab wounds as well as the sites being completely trashed, objects thrown and smashed in a chaotic fashion. “Despite appearances there was no struggle, all victims were found to be heavily sedated, we believe they were awake but unable to fight back making us believe this UNSUB may be of slim build or have some physical compromise as reason to subdue them. Found from patterns in the blood spatters that the mess in there homes was caused post mortem, as though in a rage.”

“What was the cause of death?” Blake asked.

“All of the victims were stabbed multiple times, over the torso, groin and eventually the throat, we believe the throat is the last area to be attacked and that’s what kills them” the blonde techy said trying to not turn and look at the pictures on the screen.

“Was any match for the semen found in the system?” Rossi said, curious if this was a new offender.

Garcia was quick to reply “nada, our dirty doer is ironically squeaky clean.”

“Were they raped?” Derek asked, trying to determine the unsub’s motivation.

“No signs of penetration were found, it’s possible he may fulfil this need by stabbing the victims. It’s likely he drugs and stabs them in the torso, then masturbates, likely to show dominance, before finishing the mutilation to the groin and kill focusing on the throat” said Hotch looking over the autopsy reports.

Reid then asked in regards to victimology “what links the victims?”

It was Penelope who answered with what little she could “out of the four - three were gay, one’s family claimed him to be straight but his roommate shed the light on that being false, bisexual, otherwise that’s our only connection. They vary in age, race, education, occupation. They're fit but otherwise the physical attributes vary.” It was then Garcia pressed for the next slide to show up and all four identities of the victims flashed on screen, profile photographs and details making the young genius suddenly freeze and breathing catch in his throat. At first this went unnoticed as she continued “we’ve spoken to the family, friends, neighbours and other than being attracted to men and being physically fit males there doesn't seem to be any connection.”

“Could this be a hate crime? He mutilated their genitals so this could be a form of castration or to punish their sexuality” Blake offered, also not noticing how pale the already fair skinned doctor had turned. 

Rossi adding input to the topic at hand “it’s unlikely he would take sexual pleasure from that, the need to masturbate and dominate these men might be more of a motive, show power an-“

“Reid?” Morgan asks interrupting, his warm eyes having caught the shocked and worried expression causing instant concern. 

“Whats wrong?” Hotch asked Spencer directly gaining the whole team’s attention and making them thoroughly curious, not just about what he might say for the case but just why he was so hesitant and seemed to be struggling with whatever information he had. Spencer meanwhile was trying not to scream or yell or break down crying, he knew all four, knew them _intimately_. And while his logical brain told him the link was so unlikely to be anything else he tried to tell himself he was overreacting or jumping the gun, not wanting to believe yet again life was finding a way to screw him over and take away what was supposed to be a harmless and private bit of fun in his life. 

“I…I think I know a connection” he managed though his mind still made it difficult to speak.

“What is it?” JJ asked gently, just as confused as the rest of the team.

“… _Me_.”


	2. Feel

“You know them? How so?” Rossi pressed but it was obvious immediately that any answer was difficult for the young genius to share, avoiding eye contact and especially trying not to dwell on the profiles on the screen.

Eventually Spencer managed to say “uh, Hotch, can I speak to you in private for a moment?” avoiding looking at anyone.

The whole team grew concerned the less the young man felt comfortable speaking but realising it must be important Hotch agreed and instructed the team to look over the files while he spoke to Spencer in another room. As they left the room the team spent several moments just trying to figure out what the hell happened and a worried glance was shared between Derek and JJ, the two closest to the young genius and since neither knew what was going on in the slightest that only made them all the more worried.

Garcia collected a laptop and sat with the team, quietly letting them watch the security feed on her screen as though it wasn't snooping, it showed Hotch and Spencer sat in one of the interview rooms and from the body language alone they could see Spencer was embarrassed and feeling lost. Despite the lack of sound it didn’t take a profiler to see the young man looked distraught. 

“What do you think is going on?” JJ opened out to the group, also revealing she was just as clueless as the rest of them.

“No idea, but if they're friends of Spencer’s that’s the last thing he needs” Blake said sympathetically. 

As Morgan pretended to flip through the files like everyone else he watched the screen most of all, concern growing with every passing moment, his boy genius clearly upset and even looked scared. His heart beat a little faster and wished he knew what was going on, if there was any way to help and especially try to make whatever was going on easier. Since losing Maeve the team couldn't deny just how unlucky the guy seemed, which he wholly and completely didn’t deserve. 

* * *

“Hotch…I…”

“Why are you so nervous? If it’s relevant to this case it’s important I know about it…and you can tell me anything” Hotch said in a balance of seriousness and comfort that he had a way of doing. 

“I know, it’s just…” looking to the men in the file he held in his shaky hands as he knew he couldn't let their murders go unsolved and to the best of his ability he had to find their killer and so he summoned a little bravery. “It was just a very private part of my life and…I can’t believe they're dead…”

Taking in a deep breath Hotch tried to remain as understanding as possible about how awkward the young agent clearly felt, “if you know anything that connects them it may be detrimental to the case, the killer didn't leave any fingerprints and no one spotted him, whatever the connection it could be just what we need to get justice for these men.”

“…I slept with them” Spencer spoke so quietly his boss almost missed it and the younger man avoided eye contact as the information sank in. 

Hotch couldn’t fully contain his surprise, but then it would be disingenuous to, but he quickly caught himself and appreciated that sharing such a truth was a hard thing to do, especially for someone as private as Spencer. Doing his best to push the million questions that flooded his brain at such a revelation he paused, actively having to clear his mind to focus on the task at hand “okay…did they know each other?”

Sighing Spencer knew Aaron wanted to just question him about all the details, not for gossip but just in surprise, like some sighting that no one would believe without proof, Spencer's sex life was like some fucked up unicorn and the young agent didn't know whether to laugh or cry over the strange contextualisation. But he had asked to speak to Hotch for just that reason, he would focus no matter the topic or distraction and so Reid did the same. Thinking over the names in the file he did his best to answer “Lee knew Cassidy, roommates in college I think, otherwise no. Nick spent most of his time working and chasing promotions and William’s was only here a couple months from Ireland, has a sick sibling he cared for and rarely had a night off.”

“So the only significant connection is you…we have to tell the team” Aaron said dutifully but with an apologetic softness.

“Please no, I” Spencer couldn’t hold back his instinctual protest and felt suddenly so very vulnerable, the bitterness of yet another punch to him having any sort of private life not turn out horrifically a hard thing to handle and especially when he also had to persist through it for work and to help others.

“It’s too essential not to, if that really is part of this unsub’s motivation it could be key to finding him, it could also mean that you're in danger…were they relationships or..?”

“No,” Spencer responded and felt like crying “just…one night stand, fling kind of stuff.”

“When was this?” Hotch asked professionally readying a pen and notepad. 

“Do I have t-” Spencer started but it was more rhetorical and venting than any real question, stopping himself from the whining reply and steadied his breathing as best he could.

“You know you do, it’s important to establish a detailed connection, if being with you was the link we need to establish a timeline” Aaron elaborated and while his posture was serious there was a look in his eyes that did their best to tell Spencer things would be alright. A difficult thing to think given the circumstances but Spencer did what was needed to be done.

“William was four weeks ago, Lee and Cassidy were seven weeks ago, three days apart, and Cassidy before that 9 weeks ago, Nick was four months and 14 days ago…and also six days ago” he said with an embarrassed heat in his skin, and not the fun kind.

“Well there's no pattern, they're out of order, and…Reid, I know this must be tough, but we need justice for these men…if we’re to get ahead of this we might need you to tell us other men if there are any.”

The look in Reid's eyes at that moment almost made Hotch feel guilty, before the young agent buried his hands in his hair and stared at the desk in frustration “Hotch, I hate this” his personal, fun, stress free space now the most stressful, terrible place he didn’t want to be anymore, he just wanted the world to swallow him up and disappear. “Like you said, they're out of order, maybe I have nothing to do with it, could we see if there’s anything else before we resort to that?” feeling like crying that his privacy be further invaded, it wasn't so much the names, or even the stigma, just the universal curse of Spencer never seeming to catch a break.

“I don’t know if we can Reid, four people connected in the same way to you is significant and w-” Hotch’s reasoning was interrupted by a knock at the door making the younger jump slightly, the door opened to reveal an apologetic looking Jennifer and it didn’t go unnoticed that the rest of the team not-so-subtly took the chance to glance into the room, Reid failing to hide his teary eyes under messy hair making Morgan instantly concerned. 

“Hey, I don't want to interrupt but there’s been another victim” the blonde delivered the unpleasant news and showed on a tablet the latest fatality in the case “he was just found in his home one hour ago, the scene matches the others, his name is-”

“ _Michael_ ” Spencer interrupted defeatedly, destroying any remaining hope of getting out of this with dignity intact, the expression in Hotch’s features towards the young genius alone looked grim and sorry for the predicament they now found themselves in. Spencer shrinking into his chair and wishing the world would just fade away already.

* * *

Not wanting to face them as they were told, Reid stayed in the room and wrote down the names of all the lover’s he could recall, which with his immaculate memory unfortunately meant all of them, the two he didn't know the names of he gave what descriptions he could including location. Meanwhile Hotch sensitively explained to the team that this was a difficult subject for Spencer and that he had in fact slept with each of the men within the last few months. And while the group were surprised, both from the situation and their lack of noticing given they were all profilers they did their best to remain non-judgemental and considerate to just what the brunette was dealing with.

“JJ, did you know Reid was into guys?” Morgan asked, keeping his tone as neutral as possible to sound more like a profiler’s curiosity when in truth he didn't know how to handle the revealing news or, rather, the fact that he wasn’t aware sooner or at all. But at least part of Morgan's feelings on the matter were obvious, his attempted calmness not entirely convincing, and while the team didn't know of his feelings for Spencer beyond their bromance, instead Derek, like everyone else, needed to process that their sweet and socially awkward Spencer was prolific in the bedroom and with a variety of men. Even keeping judgement at bay they team couldn't help the shock.

“Well…he’d mentioned a couple of times that he didn't really think about it, a little gender blind really” Jennifer tried to summon something to piece the information together.

The idea of Reid sleeping with those men made Derek feel a weird way, a greedy part of him wishing it wasn’t true but also a good friend in him that felt split between observations, if the interactions were derogatory he felt protective and if they were just some good fun he had to be understanding. “So that’s what was up with him…”

Rossi stepped into the confusing conversation with a great deal of sense, restoring a little composure to the group “on Reid’s part there’s nothing to it, no more than Morgan with his many ladies taken home from the club, or any youthful exploits and I know I've had a few, and as jarring as it may be I’m sure none of us would want our personal lives shared like this, worse yet that there are deaths involved. He must be feeling awful…poor kid.”

“Yeah,” Derek sighed “we need to be supportive, Spencer’s gonna need us level headed.”

* * *

Garcia was given the impressively long list of names considering the timescale included and all other information Reid provided to run checks, Hotch the only other person who had looked over the full list, but the information and timescale around the found bodies was distributed around the team. Entering the room again with all the team to go over the case felt heavier than time’s Spencer had faced armed unsubs while greatly disadvantaged, only instead of a murderous glare to challenge he was given a room of sympathetic expressions to endure. With a deep breath he reminded himself he had a job to do and a killer to find so explained what he could about the victims. “Michael was the earliest, six and a half months ago, we’ve seen each other a few times, casually.”

“How did you meet?” Blake asked, her voice gentle as he was used to with her.

“Coffee shop, he was friendly, talked about books and it turned flirtatious. I’ve never even seen him cross, just a nice guy” Spencer said to best convey what he knew of the mature man.

“When was the last time you talked to him?” Jennifer questioned.

“…today actually, we umm…” and rather than say it out loud he found the most recent set of messages on his phone and showed them the JJ, she would quickly gleam form them that the two had planned to meet this very afternoon before she then discretely let other’s glance and quickly understand the contents. 

“Okay, was this common for Michael...and did he have any enemies?” JJ continued.

“When Michael first approached me he was angling for a date, I wasn’t interested in that but the more casual…h-he was single and asked me if I’d be interested in something more casual instead" Spencer nervously fumbled over his information trying to put things the right and clearest way. "Enemies - not that I know of…he never mentioned anything and he just wasn't the type to get stressed or argue.”

Hotch then asked “how likely would it have been that these men might have invited the killer into their homes, maybe to have sex?” trying to not sound too prying.

“Possible, very possible,” Spencer informed. 

“We need to think about how you connect them, it may the case that the unsub is someone you know, it could be a possessive sort, someone a little aggressive, was anyone especially forward with you or clingy, maybe violent? any that could have been into drugs or know where to get them?”

Reid went though the list in his mind, not needing to see it for the task and after a moment he answered “Damien Henderson, he was the most…” trying not to say ‘rough’ given it’s sexual implications “unstable, talked quite negatively” a.k.a. the guy with the humiliation kink. “Otherwise Jason, Victor and Sean, I wouldn't have pegged them as dangerous by any means but maybe reckless, Victor mentioned some trips where he definitely wasn't sober…but it doesn't quite match…the rest I just cant see doing anything like it but I’m not claiming to know them all that well.”

“On the other extreme, was anyone particularly quiet?” Alex asked trying to zero in any better on someone that might fit the profile. 

“None of them, most were the jock type or similar…hmm” Spencer got lost in thought.

“What’s the matter?” Derek asked.

“Our profile suggests the unsub is meeker, I get that he’s taking on other fit men but none of them are what I’d expect from the profile” Spencer started the train of thinking, Hotch picking up the idea and asked “did you reject anyone?” It would be awfully embarrassing to say no, as though his bed had some sort of welcome sign above it “no one of note, nobody got upset or angry that I saw, sometimes more than one might be flirting and…” he grew a little embarrassed and was relieved when Rossi finished.

“One jock beat out another?”

“I guess, but nothing out of proportion. I wish I could be more help.”

* * *

Inevitably there came a moment during all the file revising and working as a team that Spencer found himself alone with another member of the team, and it just had to be with none other than Derek Morgan, in an awkwardly quiet elevator taking its sweet time. Truth was Spencer had put on a brave face but it was faltering now, he just wanted to curl up into a ball, for the last hour he’d felt the familiar pressure and sting behind his eyes that threatened to overwhelm him and thus far he had avoided bursting into tears, a friendly push might make it too much however well intentioned. While Spencer chose to say nothing and face the elevator doors it was Derek who spoke up “hey man, just want to say you-”

“-Have nothing to be embarrassed about? Yeah, people keep telling me that” Spencer cut him off and tried to keep his mind from digging too deep on the topic. 

Looking to Spencer empathetically, the fact he kept avoiding eye contact was troubling, so he continued “if it was my list, no one would bat an eye, yours is no different, pretty boy” being sure to keep the affectionate nickname in there, letting the genius know nothing was different between them.

Damn it, Spencer thought, the threat of tears coming in waves and he fought it as best he could when he finally addressed the issue, because Morgan was correct, if it was his list no one would be surprised, but people were surprised by Spencer’s - _because_ it was Spencer’s. “Except that it _is_ different, you grind on girls at the club, it’s not a shock to people because you happily mix your private and public life - I don’t, _that’s_ why it's embarrassing” and then the younger felt his eyes water, unsure if he was upset or just frustrated, his own emotions a mystery to him now.

Morgan’s mind filled with so many questions as he saw his friend start to crumble under everything going on, he couldn’t blame him, and while he dismissed many of the thoughts of what to say because they were for his own interests, he needed to be here for Reid so he tested the waters by asking in a soft tone “did they mean anything to you?”

“T-they were good people, most of them anyway, that’s all” and reading Morgan’s eyes even for a second he saw something he couldn't interpret. Derek did his best to keep his composure, Reid was a sensitive guy even though he could take pain and hardship, he had done so many times, but Morgan just wanted Reid to be happy and knew he deserved love and comfort. The idea of strangers having their way in an impersonal way? Reid deserved better than that, maybe he deserved to have kept Maeve was a better way to put it, the genius deserved so much more than life was letting him have. Seeing Spencer try to subtly wipe away an escaping tear he did the only thing he could and paused the elevator, pulling the younger man into a tight hug despite the lying protest of “Morgan, I'm fine.” 

“Maybe the hug’s for me, pretty boy…and maybe I don't believe you” Derek said against the messy light brown hair and held him firmly, trying to not get lost in how perfectly his arms curled around the lithe man “you can tell me anything, that’s what friend are for, and there’s nothing you can say that would make me think less of you, Spencer, ever.”

_Friends._ For some reason Spencer felt stupid for even caring about hearing that, it should be comforting but he felt a pang in his chest instead, so fuck it, Derek wanted to hear it so he decided to speak a little bolder. “I never touched a drug in my life and it got thrown on me by Tobias, I find an equal and good person and she gets shot in front of me, whether I do the right thing or the wrong or even something insignificant like just have a fling like anybody else could and just be calm for a while…” his voice breaking up slightly as tears started to flow more freely, his shoulders shaking in Derek’s hold, finally crying as his body just needed to let the hurt out, “why can’t I just get left alone, why does my life _always_ …”

Hating where this was going, hearing the anguish in the wonderful man's soul Derek interrupted “pretty boy I don't know, I wish I could fix it…I would if I could” Morgan admitted, feeling a little teary eyed himself hearing his friend so distressed. Bringing one hand into the wavy hair he liked so much, he just held him through every shiver and sob as Spencer tried multiple times to calm himself down. Slowly, eventually, the waves of emotion seemed to ebb away and Spencer whispered a faint “sorry” trying to compose himself. “No sorry needed, you've been put through the emotional ringer, I…I know it seems like life always finds a way to screw things up…but I’m here for you, just as ‘always’ as any trouble too” and both men smiled although one struggled a little, slowly releasing the young genius from his arms he was at least relieved they’d been able to talk.

“Thanks Derek.”

* * *

Reid insisted on going when the team split up to search Michael’s apartment for clues since he’d be more likely to know if something was awry and at least his body was in transport for the morgue and not still there, the pictures alone making the agent feel deeply sorry for ever wrapping a kind man in his troubled and seemingly cursed life. The scene was like the others, the body position marked on the floor and bloodstains as to be expected, the living room completely trashed, booked strewn about, glassware broken and everything in disarray, a hell zone compared to how the usually neat man would have kept it. Derek meanwhile looked in the bedroom, and despite how sorry he felt for the man’s death as in any case as he looked to the large bed he couldn't help but wonder just what side of Spencer this Michael got to see, lucky man, well, past tense anyway. 

Looking on his walls he saw frames photos of his parents and siblings, nieces and nephews, work buddies, and none gave any clues other than him being a decent man when he lived. Going abouthis duties Morgan was too focused on the task of searching for an address book or wallet that he considered anything of opening the bedside drawer, but when he did his eyes caught sight of a small bottle of lubricant. Ignoring it and trying to think of anything other than just what or who it had been used for Derek found his address book but nothing was out of the ordinary, mostly business and family related before swiftly closing the drawer again, conveniently as Spencer entered the room.

“You notice anything out of the ordinary?” Derek asked.

“Other than the state the unsub left his home in, he was neat so it’s a big difference…”

“It’s consistent across all his victims, something wrong?” reading his friend's body language.

Spencer’s furrowed brows betraying how his thoughts were troubling him “when did Michael die?” he asked, not having had a moment to read over the full report.

“Coroner thinks this morning, likely he never left for work, it was only after a coworker’s shift they visited and found him” Derek explained and could practically see the cogs turning in that brilliant brain of his friend’s.

“He was dedicated to work, liked it, he wouldn't be late just for a fling - if that is the ruse the unsub uses it wouldn’t have worked with Michael.”

“Could the unsub have stayed the night, attacked him in the morning?” Morgan offered.

“Why though? Others were killed in short time frames, and yeah me and Michael have probably seen each other the most but…that would display in his violence or mutilation, not time spent at the scene, we’ve been assuming all the victims planned to hook up with their attacker before being killed, but what if he’s using another way to gain access?”

Derek following the way of thinking brought out his phone and dialled Garcia who immediately picked up “hey baby girl, I want you to check the victims’ phone and bank records, see if any of them ordered any household services or reason for anyone to visit.” and all he heard from the bubbly blonde was “I will get on it, like Beyonce would check on it” making him shake his head fondly, “thanks, Pen” and hang up.

During this Spencer checked the sheets, and while Derek tried not to stare too hard at the younger’s attention to the bed of all places Spencer ignored the confused expression as he couldn’t shake that something was off. The sheets had been freshly changed, didn’t even look slept in and no strong residual smokey scent. While Michael was typically neat his bed itself was well slept in, amongst other things, but this looked more like a hotel made bed, _too_ neat.

Suddenly throwing off the duvet and pillows before starting to strip the sheets hearing only a curious “what’s up pretty boy?” from Derek, his instincts were right as he peeled the fabric back and gasped. Written in blood on the mattress, the placement alone making it more and more likely it was Spencer’s sex life that connected the victims, were the jagged words of “Feel, he told himself, feel, feel, feel.” Morgan read aloud “what does that mean, is that anything to you?”

“It’s an extract from ‘The Children of Men’ by P.D. James, it’s incomplete though…” Spencer explained, and though the book itself wasn’t particularly interesting to him the quote spoke a great deal about the mental state of the unsub. 

“What’s the full quote?” Derek asked.

“Feel, he told himself, feel, feel, feel. _Even if what you feel is pain, only let yourself feel_.” 


	3. Chaser

“Do you know these men?” Hotch asked, placing several photographs in front of their possible suspect, Damien Henderson, the one of Spencer’s exploits to have any real aggression and admittedly he did look intimidating, handsome but worked out more than Morgan ever could. Henderson’s brown eyes looked over the faces, his arms crossed but overall disinterested as he said “no, why am I here?” slightly agitated.

“Well all five of these men were murdered and-”

“You think I did this?” the muscular man interrupted indignantly.

“We’re trying to figure out who did, what were you doing on these dates?” showing him a piece of paper containing the times of the murder.

“...Two of those I was definitely at the gym, one I was at home, ask my neighbours, and the last one I’m pretty sure I was bangin’ some twink near Virginia Beach” Henderson finished with a smirk. Hotch asked for the name and address of the gym, as well as details surrounding said ‘twink’ for Garcia to run checks on. While they were pretty sure this wasn’t their unsub, if he were to kill he would likely enjoy a scuffle and violence rather than the use of sedatives but he could hold some information relevant to the case.

“Can I ask you a few questions about Dr Spencer Reid?” Hotch started carefully, he only asked to establish a link but feared the cocky jock might use the invitation to divulge more than necessary, and he was right, the first moment he got Henderson smirked and said “ooh the good doctor, I don't remember a lot of guys but he stood out, sweet fella, great at giving-“

“We aren't asking for a review, what was your relationship?” Hotch interrupted in a serious tone.

With a shrug the man dismissed “there was no relationship, fucked once but doctor wasn't too into it, I met him through Caleb, we work together and he told me he just found a great daddy chaser.”

“What’s a 'daddy chaser'?” Hotch asked before he could stop himself but was genuinely confused regarding the term.

Trying not to laugh Henderson took some pleasure in explaining to the seemingly vanilla FBI agent just what it meant “well we know someone’s not adventurous,” he teased “a daddy is a more experienced, sometimes older, at least experienced man willing to take the lead…chaser is a needy bottom who wants to be ridden real well.”

“That’s enough, so you met spencer thr-”

“Through Caleb, and he was right too, for being such a smart guy the doctor sure loses his mind under a a talented coc-“

“We’re getting nowhere with this, how did Caleb meet Reid?” Rossi all but sighed at the frustrating interview.

“Coffee shop or library I bet, it’s where he got most of them.”

About to leave, Hotch already having picked up the files and several steps to the door it was Rossi who stopped himself as he realised a subtle detail of note “so, wait a minute and I don't need to many details here, but…you said that Dr Reid was a good experience for you” trying to keep words not too graphic and he really despised the cocky grin on Henderson’s face, Hotch even shot Rossi a look wondering why he was asking such a thing “but you said he wasn't into it, you just bad in bed or what was the issue?” the jibe designed to get him defensive and talking truthfully.

The grin fell and Henderson said “poor taste I guess…he could take it rough alright” and shaking their heads even Rossi thought the interview might be completely useless “but I'm the type that if I'm treating someone like a bitch I call them a bitch, he wasn't into that too much. Seems arbitrary to me, you're getting banged into he mattress whether I call it punishment or reward so...” and shrugged. Both agents felt a little gross, not because of ay kink but because of how much Henderson was enjoying telling them about Reid, like topping made him better or stronger.

Leaving the room Hotch and Rossi headed to give the details for Penelope to check but both were sure he wasn’t the right fit, Hotch musing aloud “he’s not our guy, if he could derail you know there would be fighting and penetration with the victims” came the exasperated analysis.

* * *

All the others alibis checked out, they even spoke with Caleb who was much nicer than they had expected given his associate, turned out they were co-workers and nothing else. After sharing sex stories around in a light hearted chat between colleagues Damien had bugged him non-stop for Reid’s number having to ‘check out that sweet ass for himself’. As much as it sounded degrading, the more they thought about their younger days, they supposed despite the machismo bouncing off the walls methods weren't too strange and Reid’s private life was just that, enjoying what he wanted to enjoy and going about it. just not so private anymore thanks to a certain elusive unsub.

Garcia, while her mind boggled at the list only she and Aaron had full access to she had to admit there was a bit of her thoroughly impressed and being no stranger to shipping a couple dudes in her fan-girly ways the idea of Spencer's sexy escapades made her a little hot under the collar. The only thing better being anything indulgent from a certain Chocolate Thunder, perhaps the very racy stories from Emily's Sin-to-Win weekends she missed hearing about. Unfortunately Spencer's very rightly sensitive feelings on the topic meant it wasn't some fun and sexy sharing of stories, instead the young man had to be faced with such a horrible turn of events and she promised herself to keep the full list a secret as much as possible and once everything was over to give him a big hug whether he wanted it or not. 

Back to business however she couldn't find any services or the like linking the men, certainly not for the times given for their murders, after Spencer’s discovery on Michael’s mattress agents were asked to check the other crime scenes and true enough more blood written quotes were found, all from 'The Children of Men'. Back at their offices JJ placed all the photographs up with the quotes, reading them aloud one by one, and on the white board Spencer would write and say aloud the ending of the incomplete statements.

“Feel he told himself, feel feel feel” JJ said as she pinned the menacing photograph up and Spencer completed it by scribbling “Even if what you feel is pain, only let yourself feel.”

“I don’t want anyone to look to me, not for protection” was met by “not for happiness, not for love, not for anything.”

“Man is diminished if he lives without knowledge of his past” was followed by “without hope of the future he becomes a beast.”

“But what do you believe? I don't just mean religion. what are you sure of?” lead onto “That once I was not and that now I am. That one day I shall no longer be.”

“I learned early and at that kitchen table that there are ways of avoiding guilt” and answered “the commitments of love.”

“I hate this” Garcia said as she looked over the cryptic blood-soaked pictures only for Spencer to say “ditto” and nobody held a candle to that.

“Is this book significant to you in any way?” Blake asked.

“Not especially, i haven't read it since school, and it seems misplaced here.”

“How so?”

“The Children of Men is a dystopian novel set in Britain during mass infertility, it focused on political criticism and theological reflection. It goes between a series of diary entries and first person, the “Year Omega” talks about sperm count going to zero, there’s criticism of ‘charm’ and a number or rebels, “pornography centres” open to increase libido and people are regularly tested to ‘keep hope alive’ that they might populate again. The idea is that when man faces extinction he loses sense of hope, some find hope in committed love relationships regardless” came the information ramble they all loved from Spencer but they all knew the seriousness of the situation and mulled over what the book could mean.

“It’s clearly important to our unsub, maybe he is infertile, or he views homosexuality as the same thing” Derek suggested.

Blake looking over the quotes added to this “so maybe he views himself as being in a committed relationship with you” looking to Spencer, “or that anything but a committed relationship is ‘beastly’, that the men he killed are 'beasts.' He could have a deep routed need for legacy and the novel could have helped him contextualise how to cope. Now that the man he has committed himself to is either betraying him or acting outside his moral code…to him, Reid…”

“He needs me to be committed, preferably to him, so he doesn't lose hope” Spencer mused and let out a sigh “…and _hope_ is the one thing that makes an unsub the most dangerous, no one sane or insane can let that go.” About to continue theorising the team heard a knock and from the expression they didn't even need to say the news - a new victim.

* * *

Damien, he wouldn't have gone down without a fight, but drugged he may have been unable to defend himself and that was the sad reality as the, while unpleasant, innocent man lay dead and mutilated under a sheet. Spencer, JJ and Hotch looked around his wrecked apartment for any clues and immediately the two younger agents looked to the bed and found yet another quote “children are always ready to believe” JJ said aloud and looked to Spencer who finished the statement “that adult catastrophes are their fault.”

“Could he have difficulties around a parental figure?” she proposed.

“If he was sexually abused it might explain his reluctance to penetrate his victims, or… explain his ‘failure’ rather than ‘reluctance’ to penetrate. He drugs to subdue and scares them with the initial stabbing, if he wants to dominate but can’t go all the way, all he can do is stand and touch himself even though that’s not his goal, that could be what triggers him into a rage mutilating them, killing them and trashing their apartment” Spencer analysed what he could.

“We still don't know how he gets invited into the homes, he’s likely of smaller build so our victims might not be afraid of him, the coroner found the drugs were ingested but no evidence of drinks or foods were left in the scenes.”

Both turned to Hotch as the older man stepped into the bedroom hearing the call their jobs were all about: “we need to give the profile.”

* * *

Hotch started the briefing and agents and officers noted down what they could “we’re looking for a man, could be between early 20s to 50s but age is the hardest element to pin down, he is homosexual but he may not be open about his orientation, he is obsessed with committed relationships, perhaps not strictly marriage but where love and dedication between two people is paramount.”

Alex then continued “he believes himself to be infertile, whether this is true or a way of contextualising his sexuality we don't know, it is possible he has had heterosexual relationships in the past where real infertility was seen as a shortcoming for him, perhaps broke apart a committed relationship but this won’t necessarily be the case.”

Rossi explained the victimology with “he targets alpha males, they are fit and stronger than he is, while he holds a lot of anger he is a coward, he doesn't want to be hit or risk any conflict coming his way. To avoid this he drugs his victims and cuts them with a knife into scared and dazed submission. I likely wants to rape his victims but is unable to due to abuse suffered in childhood either by a parental or mentor-like figure in his life.” 

Derek then contributing “he shouldered the weight of what his abusers did to him as though it was his fault, that perhaps he should have shown love or dedication to make the abuse in his eyes “good” or “right”. He has an imaginary committed relationship with Dr Reid,” he said trying to not feel sick at the idea of just what this case entailed “he likely believes that they have a very real relationship, he wont necessarily know reality from fantasy at this point, his delusions will be vivid and there’s a whole storyline between them that’s just inside his head.”

Then Spencer took the reins in regards to the quotes and this perceived exchange between himself and the unsub “he quotes The Children of Men by P.D. James, about depopulation by mass infertility and the hopelessness in man by the threat of extinction. He writes these quotes in the victims blood on their mattresses. All the victims are ex partners of mine and by writing these quotes on their beds we think this is directly addressing a feeling of betrayal. We believe these messages are for me and not his victims, he leaves them unfinished as though it’s a two way conversation and I’m completing the quote. He might see this as some inside reference between us although I haven’t read the novel since high school.”

Hotch then elaborated “by targeting ex partners of Dr Reid’s, believing them to be a threat to his dedicated relationship, it’s likely he has admired Reid before observing this difficult truth, held him to impossible ideals and considers these men to be rebels, tearing down his means of hope. We don't know how he knows these men or the details of their involvement with Dr Reid, we also don't know how he’s luring these men to drug them or get inside their homes. We don't necessarily believe he is seducing them, even though that might be the easiest option. He in no way wants to feed their ego, or maybe, in his own mind, betray his relationship with Dr Reid."

Spencer added "Even though the attacks include sexual assault he doesn't consider that to betrayal, in the book there are 'pornography centres' to increase libido, also sacrifices are made for fertility, he may be combining these ideas into one act, in his delusions he believes these are functional practices to help his needs.”

JJ then issued a few tasks “search security camera footage around the venues listed, we want to catch anyone who might be tailing Dr Reid, contact others on the list and be observant of who is scanning the area, ask neighbours if they saw anything suspicious on the days of the murders and”the tasks continued and formalities went through until Hotch decided to make a final point. 

Hotch then concluded “he will kill again, he is on a mission to set things right and protect his means of hope, he will devolve significantly long before giving up his goal which makes him especially dangerous.” The meeting was dismissed and people filed out of the room, and just as the team was about to discuss next steps an unexpected individual made their way into the office. He wore a uniform complete with logo but most notably holding a delicate vase of flowers complete with card. “Dr Spencer Reid?” the delivery florist asked and the whole team suddenly grew concerned.

“Oh gods, what now?” Spencer said aloud, the negative reaction seeming to confuse the stranger for a moment but as he placed down the vase and was about to ask for a signature Derek blocked his path to the young genius and told him they’d need to ask him some questions considering this delivery. The bouquet was specific, very delicately selected having JJ ask “what flowers are those?”

Blake was the first to answer “orange blossoms, they symbolise innocence, eternal love, marriage and fruitfulness” and it didn’t need to be said aloud to see how they tied in to the profile, no doubt over these coming from the unsub. 

“And one red carnation?” she asked, this time Spencer answering.

“It means ‘my heart aches for you’.” Picking up the card he expected another half finished quote but instead “it’s a Christopher Marlowe poem” and he read it aloud for the team to analyse:

“Come live with me and be my love,

And we will all the pleasures prove,

That Valleys, groves, hills, and fields,

Woods, or steepy mountain yields.

And we will sit upon the Rocks,

Seeing the Shepherds feed their flocks,

By shallow Rivers to whose falls

Melodious birds sing Madrigals.

And I will make thee beds of Roses

And a thousand fragrant posies,

A cap of flowers, and a kirtle

Embroidered all with leaves of Myrtle;

A gown made of the finest wool

Which from our pretty Lambs we pull;

Fair lined slippers for the cold,

With buckles of the purest gold;

A belt of straw and Ivy buds,

With Coral clasps and Amber studs:

And if these pleasures may thee move,

Come live with me, and be my love.

The Shepherds’ Swains shall dance and sing

For thy delight each May-morning:

If these delights thy mind may move,

Then live with me, and be my love.”

The abrupt and less than intellectual review came form Derek in the form of “this guy’s totally nuts.”

“Whats the matter, sounds like a romantic to me” said the oblivious delivery man, no doubt having heard a million cheesy or sleazy messages the poem must have seemed an upgrade. It was Blake and JJ to guide the man from the room explaining the need of questioning on their way.

“You okay, pretty boy?” Derek asked now it was just a few members of the team in the room. Spencer just remained at a loss for words, the whole thing just making his mind feel numb. “Does the poem mean anything to you?”

“Again, I haven't read it since high school.”

“So a book you haven't read since school, and now a poem…could this be a childhood admirer?” Rossi asked.

“Damn it” came the tired exclamation “possible but no clue” the young agent shrugged and his friends couldn't help but feel the frustration too.


	4. Sub Rosa

Garcia did a background check on the florist they now knew by the name Adam Linden, the grandson of the man who originally bought the flower shop, it had been a wholesome family business ever since, most transactions were in cash so unlikely to get much of a paper trail on the unsub, the most interesting thing about him being that he travelled around until his father was ill and came home to take over the business - this uninteresting information JJ found herself explaining to Blake before entering the interview room, and while Adam didn’t seem to be suspicious beyond his build, being fit but lean and certainly not the jock type, perhaps he could offer information about whoever ordered the delivery. 

Both women entered the room and sat across the dark haired man, despite appearing handsome he looked shy and certainly a bit put upon by the sudden interview. “Hello Mr Linden, thanks for your time.”

“No problem, you think some fella in my shop really killed people?” Adam asked.

“Yes, unfortunately, do you recall who placed the order for Dr Reid and when?”

“Umm, I didn't take a name, filed it under who it was for so my notes just say ‘Dr Spencer Reid’, made sure I never dropped doctor too” and the man tried to recall information that might be helpful “yeah, it would have been late in the day, after closing time so 6:30, maybe 7? I was placing some orders and sorting stock so stayed behind a while, wouldn't usually be taking orders then.”

“Most people wouldn't be trying to buy flowers at that time, surrounding stores might not have their cameras on, less people in general, do you have any surveillance?” JJ asked.

“None, you can look through anything you need to though, most jobs are small, truth be told business is in the tank so nothing to rave about” and both women nodded understanding little would be gotten from investigating this area too thoroughly but still worth a check. 

“Do you remember what he looked like?” Blake asked.

“Um, he wasn’t tall, couple inches shorter than me, had a tattoo on his lower arm, I’m not sure what of though since he had sleeves rolled up so only saw the edges, maybe saw a leaf in black but really not sure. Blonde hair, caucasian, boring really” Adam tried his best.

“Would you be able to describe him to a sketch artist?” JJ tried.

“I’d give it a go, but he honestly just looked like you’re average guy.”

“Did he say anything about who the flowers were for?” the blonde asked trying to see if anything more about his personality or details were divulged. 

“Gushed about him, sounded real sweet, total romantic type so it’s a bit disappointing to hear what it’s involved in. To be honest I take a shine to the LGBT community, they're some of my best customers and I feel a little guilty, my dad wouldn't have accepted the order being um…closed minded so I’ve tried to run the place a bit better.”

“Can you remember what he said exactly, anything?” Blake pressed.

“Something like, I’d like to order some flowers for my fiancé, can you get any of…then he listed flowers, discussed the bouquet, he didn't care about the look so much, didn’t want it to be ‘shallow’, he dismissed roses completely saying they were false, meant ‘secrets’ - news to me” Adam shrugged.

“It’s where ‘sub rosa’ comes from, deception or thorns under a pleasant aesthetic” JJ said, “Spencer told me that” she chimed with a smile.

“He kept saying the bouquet had to be meaningful, that his fiancé was the smartest person in the whole world and while he ‘might be bias he wasn't exaggerating much’” and both women shared a glance over that, “he loved the orange blossoms, said his fiancé was real innocent, could get led astray now and then but…that he loved him anyway. We settled on the bouquet, he paid cash, gave me the delivery instructions and left.”

“What was he wearing?” Blake asked.

“Uh white shirt, jeans, I don't remember the shoes but he wore gloves, leather, could have been driving gloves.”

“Well someone didn't want to leave any fingerprints” JJ sighed feeling yet again, while they made progress, that they weren't close enough to catching this guy considering her friend’s involvement and the havoc the stress must be doing to him.

* * *

Reid stood in the restroom, splashing water on his face trying to clear his thoughts and calm his nerves, running through his mind where he knew the poem from and if it could have any relevance to the case, JJ had explained they had very little to go on other than a physical description from interviewing the florist and the details didn’t summon any person to his brain. Casting his mind back to school and running through the people around at the time, he felt like there had to be something hidden in his memories to help.

It didn’t help that the very idea of him having an admirer in school was laughable, having been bullied every day of his time there and only 12 years old when he graduated, but from a profiler perspective it was not inconceivable however that someone from a different grade had taken a shine to him from afar, even if a little older just in a lower academic year it could fit. Unlikely, but possible. But given how confusing and alienating a time it was, too focused on studies and trying to survive day to day he just couldn't summon an obvious memory where someone admired him. Any note in his locker was a prank or tease and any compliment was sarcastic, he’d gotten along far better with teachers than his ‘peers’. 

He heard footsteps enter the gents room and he didn’t even have to look to figure out who it was, “hey pretty boy, they're waiting for you, we need enlightened on what’s running through that amazing brain of yours” Derek said in a soft tone. He watched Spencer dry his face and sighing before leaning against the wall, clearly feeling deflated “how’re you coping?”

“Crap,” came the blunt answer “maybe I should do people a favour and just stay the hell away, I only seem to bring trouble” Spencer vented, at very least knowing he was in kind company with Derek.

“Reid, none of this is your fault, certainly not your fault for being in peoples’ lives, even if only a little” the muscular agent tried to comfort.

“Yeah right, it’s not worth being brutally murdered for.”

“…I’m sorry you have to go through this, nobody deserves it, especially not you” the last part was said so quietly the genius almost missed it, “what does that mean?” he asked. Then as though the simplest truth in the world Derek looked him in the eyes and said “you’re such a good person, Spencer, you deserve some happiness.”

Maintaining eye contact the pair exchanged the exhausted conversation but still held a softness to it, “people don't get what they deserve, our jobs exist because of that” Spencer dismissed half-heartedly and was about to move past the man and exit when Morgan reached out and grabbed his wrist tight enough to stall but not to harm making them face each other again.

“You’re right, people lose, people get hurt…but if I know anything from my pain, it’s not to give up or let it tell me I don’t deserve happiness…that I can’t have it - you do the same, ok pretty boy?” Derek said with all the sincerity in the world and given his past with Buford he supposed that same self resentment might have been in the joyful, warm Derek Morgan once upon a time at some point. 

“I’ll try” Spencer offered, genially and both smiled gently.

* * *

After some time trying to recall whatever he could, Spencer looking over the poem again and again, eventually the faint whisper of a memory rising to the surface, Hotch, Rossi, Morgan and Reid stood discussing the case and eventually the question came from Rossi “so did the poem tell you anything, Reid?”

“When I was in school, I was in classed with the older kids, but some clubs or extra curricular would mix age groups, and I remember one of the early year students, still a year or two older than me, was obsessed with that poem, any chance he got to do a project he could include it in he would.”

“What was his name?” Hotch asked.

“Dayson Gail, his family were devoted Christians and from the little I know he seemed most focused on English as a subject - Dayson means ‘beloved’ and Gail means ‘father rejoiced’, typically a really merry name ironically, but he doesn’t quite fit the description from Adam Linden, he had dark hair from what I recall.” 

“He could have dyed it, this unsub is able to be organised when not in a rage, he may have done so to avoid recognition. Did you talk much?” Derek asked. 

“Not socially, but there was a classroom during lunch and after school that people could study or read in, and that’s where I saw him most. I spoke more to the teacher if I'm honest though” which given Spencer’s history of being bullied and his advanced intellect made a lot of sense.

“Can you recall if he was ever abused or what his parents were like?” Hotch asked trying to tie him to the profile.

“I don’t think I ever saw them, but he talked proudly about both his parents and especially his father, it could have been overcompensating but I doubt it, he was quiet though…” Spencer trailed off as a realisation struck him.

“What’s going on in there, Reid?” Hotch asked of the genius’ inner thoughts.

“One lunch time he talked to me, said how he’d heard how advanced I was and wouldn't have believed it if he didn't see me read a mile a second, and …asked me what I was reading…”

“I’m going to guess it was The Children of Men?” Rossi presumed correctly.

“Yeah…I let him have the book” Spencer said and all the more the group became certain this Dayson Gail had to be connected to the case.

“I’ll get Garcia to check for Gail’s history and where he is now” said Morgan and left the room briefly.

Reid let out a sigh, finally getting somewhere but he felt his weary bones and fatigue set in, Hotch immediately chiming in “you should get some sleep.”

“I’m fine, I need to keep working this case” Spencer tried to protest but his eyelids did feel heavy.

“You can't work dead on your feet, but I don’t want you alone either” Hotch considered the possibility of an attack and as Derek reentered the room he decided “Morgan, I want you to escort and keep watch with Reid, he needs to sleep.”

“Sure boss, come on pretty boy.”

* * *

*** _flashback_ ***

“Thanks, Mr Richardson,” a young Spencer said as the English teacher gave him a reading list to replace the previous he had finished in a seemingly impossible amount of time.  


“Oh please, I wish I could make these recommendations more often, not always I have such a brilliant student to talk to” the teacher flashed a charming smile and given his lack of compliments or peer support the brunette felt flattered, if slightly awkward “I’m sure there are older students who are just a-” he tried to wave off but Mr Richardson was having none of it. “They rarely have the interest, too focused on smooching like hormonal teenagers” the adult laughed, “I’m sure even when your time comes to grow up a little you’ll be a brainiac first and foremost, its charming.”

“Well, I'm going to get started on the reading list, thanks again Mr Richardson” Spencer said politely.

“Go ahead, and technically this is after hours, call me Liam” said the friendly teacher, Spencer just gave a nod but didn't call him that despite the permission, it felt a little strange, and went to sit in as private a spot as the open classroom could offer before getting lost in a book. After several minutes and many pages read, Dayson entered the classroom and returned a book to Mr Richardson who looked a little frustrated, “are you staying or going, Gail?” his tone not nearly as warm as it was to Spencer.

“Thought I’d work on some homework if that’s alright, sir?”

“Fine” the teacher dismissed and the boy took a random seat.

Eventually the teacher nipped out of the room for a moment, and in the small window of opportunity young Dayson asked across the classroom “Hey, umm, Spencer?” and the brunette from the few times he’d spoken to Dayson knew he was friendly, responded a neutral “yeah?” but was asked an unexpected question “how did you get Mr Richardson to like you so much?”

The question just sounded odd to Spencer’s ears, social interaction not his forte by any means and just replied “I don't know, does he?”

Dayson looked at him with some disbelief “you’re such a genius but can’t tell you're his favourite?”

“I-I’m better with books than people” Spencer said honestly.

Mr Richardson came back into the room as the dark haired boy was starting his next question he was silenced with “Gail, stop bothering Spencer” turning the class quiet for several minutes. While Spencer was focused on his reading he did feel the creeping feeling of being watched, it was easily ignored as he often felt like that being constantly teased and bullied he figured it was just his nerves playing tricks on him. Eventually Spencer decided he was best to head home, Mr Richardson flashing him a smile and farewell as he did so and he was only mildly aware of Dayson awkwardly shuffling as though he thought about saying bye but faltered and stayed silent.

When Spencer reached the street outside of the school he realised he’d left his house keys and was relieved he had at least figured it out before waiting too late and staff having left the building so headed back inside with out rushing. When he reached the classroom again to his surprise the door was not only closed but it was locked, he knocked and was ignored until he knocked again speaking “Mr Richardson, it’s Spencer, I forgot something and-”

“Spencer, I’ll be with you in a moment” he heard from inside the classroom and politely waited, after a couple of minutes the door unlocked and opened to Mr Richardson welcoming him in but not fully stepping away from the door meaning Spencer had to squeeze past him but did so without difficulty. Inside the classroom he saw Dayson sitting at one of the front tables rather than the one he’d been at later, which was odd because his things were still at the previous space, the boy had his head down over crossed arms like some sort of time out and was no longer in his tie and sweater, maybe feeling the heat of the season. Walking past, Spencer went to his table and bent down to get his keys from the floor, when he stood back up Mr Richardson was standing very close behind him, surprised but innocently just trying to avoid any awkwardness the brunette said “this was all I needed Mr Richardson.”

Without budging, the teacher just nodded and repeated “I told you, you can call me Liam after hours.”

“Umm, right…thanks Liam” Spencer said trying to be friendly.

“See, not so hard and I like hearing you call me that, don't be afraid to ask for anything, okay Spencer?” the teacher said in a warm tone.

“Uh…ok…Liam” he answered hesitantly but he received a smile from the man so figured he hadn’t made a mistake “I’ve got to go, my mom will be wondering where I am” the boy half lied, his mother likely unaware of the time but felt a little uncomfortable, so when the teacher eventually backed off enough that he could leave he took the opportunity.

***end flashback***

* * *

Spencer woke up in a tangle of sheets, mind running a mile a minute and trying to settle his thoughts and keep all the information organised in his mind so he could review it while also coming to several realisations about just how innocent he had been, true he was a child himself and during a very confusing time, but knowing what he did now those memories were like a punch to the gut. His breathing evened out and he clumsily kicked and untangled the sheets from his body before walking in his pyjamas through to his living room. There he spotted Morgan lounging on his couch, watching television quietly and the man’s instincts strong as he turned to see the genius by the door, “what’s up boy wonder?”

“I think Dayson was abused by a teacher” spencer said suddenly, getting Morgan’s attention as brows raised.

“Yeah? That would explain a lot and match the profile” 

“And…” Spencer started but his voice sounded shaky concerning the other agent, Derek stopped lounging and sat upright, patting the empty side of the couch for Reid to sit next to him. Slowly the younger man accepted the invitation, sitting on his sofa at an angle that accidentally made their knees touch but neither moved away. “And I think…the teacher was using Dayson as a surrogate for his own desires, that would explain why he would thinks of me as innocent and desired at the same time.”

“How so?” feeling like he was missing the linking detail.

“Mr Richardson…I think he liked me…too much. I didn't see it then, but I think when I left his class he did things to Dayson” and a wash of guilt fell over him at the very concept.

“If this bastard talked about you during the abuse, compared Dayson to you - while it would usually cause aggression…it could create the opposite too, he might think you never got touched _because_ you were better than him, some messed up logic his abuser put on him. If he aspires to be with you it could be a mixture of idolisation and a want to be worthy. To him if you love him back, he’s ‘good’.”

Spencer couldn't deny in his mind that however fucked up the case was becoming it sounded too accurate to be dismissed “and if his fantasies got to him he might think he was on the right path to achieve it, I spent a long while completely single and I doubt he knew all that much about Maeve, we never saw each other until the end much less slept together, he probably saw that time as us courting. Then I start…seeing others…and he thinks he’s messed up.”

“He called you his fiancé to the florist” Derek added.

“So he grew up in a happy family, strong Christian ideals, believed he might go on to be the same as his parents, be a good husband and father one day. He starts being abused by a teacher who outright says he isn't the one he wants…” the genius mused and every word telling a terribly tragic story for poor Dayson.

“Do you know why the teacher never targeted you directly?” Derek asked, eternally grateful that Spencer wasn’t the focus of his abuse, the very idea of the abuser thinking of Reid in that way made him want to punch something. 

“He would get too close, overly friendly but never did anything more than that…some abusers avoid their obsession, like resisting that urge means they weren't a complete monster, they exercised some restraint, just never stopped themselves from being a pedophile which was the real problem.”

“This teacher still working?”

“He’ll be retired by now if he was never caught” Spencer answered and wondered with a deep dread how many children he might have gotten away with abusing over the years. 

“Do you think that added to Dayson struggling with homosexuality, the abuse or religion?”

“…it’s possible his fantasies took care of that too, it's possible his parents however kind didn't approve or Gail himself didn't, if he ignores the reality where he is attracted to men and instead see the issue as biological men, to whom he is able to be attracted and committed to, can’t bare families. If he believed strongly in legacy this might be why he sees himself and maybe other men as infertile.”

“So what’s his goal?” Derek tried to clarify.

“If he thinks these are sacrifices in a fertility ritual, and eventually in the book a character called Julian, after decades she’s the first woman to carry a child to term despite the infertility problems, what if…what if he thinks a good and committed relationship along side fertility sacrifices will fix everything. All his shortcomings will be cured if-”

“If he can have you…” Derek finished the train of thought.

Spencer ran a hand through his wavy hair and tried to focus on all the details of the case, the references to the novel all tying together but the Marlowe poem with the flowers stood out. “The poem he sent me might be one he associates with a good marriage, his parents might have used it in their relationship. It also describes a gown and the flowers about love and fruitfulness…as odd as it sounds I think he wants to consummate with me in a wedding bed and have a family, he would be the ideal son, with an ‘innocent and committed' partner he was told was the greatest by the very man that abused him.”

“Well this is fucked, real fucked” Derek said, also letting it sink in just what kind of danger his precious genius was in with this delusional lunatic.

“And I don’t plan to be so we have to catch this guy” Spencer said with some attitude and Derek would have laughed if it wasn't so deadly serious.


	5. Darling

Another victim, any street surveillance hadn't caught anything and this time the words on the bed read “If our sex life were determined by our first youthful experiments, most of the world would be doomed to celibacy” Rossi read aloud, turning to the boy genius “do I want to know the rest of that quote?” considering the already icky undertones to the extract.

Reid however sighed and completed “In no area of human experience are human beings more convinced that something better can be had only if they persevere.”

The meaning of the quote made Derek feel sick to his stomach. If the kid was abused he felt sorry for him, him of all people knowing what it was like, but if this fucked up guy tried to touch Reid or make his life miserable one more moment all bets were off. Upon arriving the pair had explained their findings, from Spencer’s jogged memory including Dayson’s abuse by his teacher to just what that meant for the killer’s motivation. Putting his phone on speaker Morgan asked “baby girl, did you find anything?”

“Our boy, Dayson Gail is off the grid, he left school, he worked moving around for his father for a year and then poof, vanished, no socials, bank statements or anything” she explained.

“Did the family file a missing person’s report?”

“Ahead of you, and no, the mom died when Dayson was fifteen and the father had terminal cancer, he died six months after his son quit and the trail goes cold after that.”

Then Spencer asked “what about Mr Richardson?”

“Mr Douchebag is alive and not so well as can be considering his ankle bracelet.”

“Abusing boys I take it?” Derek assumed.

“How did you know? Three came forward to testify against him but only years after the fact, due to poor health, some kidney condition only Reid could pronounce, he has been allowed to stay in his home but is not allowed to travel far…which is a relief” she added trying to lighten the dark topic as much as possible.

Hotch considered everything they knew so far and gave out a new task “Blake and Morgan, I want you both to speak with Richardson, then I think Ross-”

“I should be there to interview Mr Richardson” Reid proposed and luckily Blake seemed to agree saying “it would be more effective to get him talking.”

Derek determined that if Spencer was going to be within a mile of the creep that he be there too said “how about me and pretty boy go interview the pervert, Penelope can keep on searching for Gail.”

“Alright, but don't do anything reckless.”

* * *

As Spencer and Derek sat on the private jet to Nevada despite all the space the pair sat side by side, neither spoke after an initial chat about strategy and details of the case. Even considering the bizarre fantasy scenario versus reality issues and both speculated the long term implication’s of this unsub's delusions, if they were right about the unsub’s goals depending on how successfully he could act out his fantasies it was likely Gail’s world would look like his ideal when in reality he would kidnap and assault Reid, maybe eventually steal children - nothing was off the table when someone could face necessities around pulling off such a crime and yet be so out of touch with reality. And this was if Gail was successful, if at any point his efforts were to fail or not work out as hoped he would snap and devolve. Even if this case wasn’t focused around Spencer this guy would be scary as hell to deal with. 

But after the unpleasantries the mood lightened and calmed, just the accidental brush of arms and the odd soft glance held between them helping to forget the dangers of the day. Just spending a little, safe, while in the other’s company. A subtle, gentle smile from Morgan reminded Spencer that things might just return to normal, however abnormal their normal might be,and of all things it helped him relax to the point of dozing. 

Derek watched his precious pretty boy nod off, eventually his heavy head slumping against his shoulder and Morgan did his best not to move too much and disrupt him, he’s so cute sometimes. He felt a strong pang in his heart over that thought and ran through his mind all the crazy goings on the last few days and he wondered if, at some point, he should tell Reid about his feelings. Now was not the time but he cared about him dearly, and now he knew he wasn’t barking up the wrong tree entirely the idea became all the more tempting. He was still very much afraid for their friendship, not that he’d ever let it go, but if the idea of them as a couple could be entertained - they made sense together. 

If Reid liked the jock type, he fit that, they both knew the risks and demands of the job they were in, and despite his player ways it was unthinkable to stray from _the_ Dr Spencer Reid were he honoured enough to be in a relationship with him. He didn't want it to just be sex though, as great as it would be he knew to stop there would hurt the heart too much, friends or in love, maybe both at the same time, but not fuck buddies by any means. To even indulge a little Derek knew he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from falling and falling hard. Somehow, despite all of the apparent experience Spencer had gained he still remained darling. But that was Dr Spencer Reid, so with a sleepy glance towards the slumbering boy wonder Morgan nodded off too.

* * *

*** _flashback_ ***

At home a young Spencer heard the doorbell ring, his mom having a good day mentally, she was sharp and relaxed at the same time, she spent the time reading poetry mostly, and when he answered the door he came surprisingly face to face with Mr Richardson. He was polite and eventually Diana welcomed the man in for some tea and talk of literature. Spencer was always a little on edge when there were visitors, in case his mother would have an episode or become stressed which was hard to gauge sometimes but no such event happened, instead after a while both spoke about how brilliant a mind Diana’s son had.

The teacher was being very complimentary and using all his charm, then came a new topic, he offered special tutoring and Diana was quick to ask just what he could offer that Spencer couldn't do on his own? Any angle or deal Richardson tried to strike up - nothing got past Diana that day and eventually she asked outright “why are you so interested in my son?” the question, while not accusatory, bluntly making Richardson shaky.

“His mind, he is the brightest boy I’ve ever met” the teacher praised.

“Apart from the obvious, you're coming on strong for not a whole lot of opportunity for Spencer, it sounds like the better question is what opportunity is there for you?” she questioned, again her tone deceptively soft regardless of strong words.

“…I can see that you're right, Spencer is a well skilled young man and can take himself far without my assistance” knowing when to let something go, getting nowhere.

“I agree” Diana confirmed and nothing more was needed to be said.

“I’ll see myself out, thank you for your time” he politely excused himself.

Leaving Diana’s view on his way to the door he looked to Spencer and smiled, Spencer being more nervous about his mother’s health than being entirely focused on the man in front of him “it’s a shame I don't get to give you private tutoring Spencer, I think we could have had a lot of fun…and just between us, _you’re my favourite_ ,” he whispered “I brag about you to all my other students and they just don't compare.”

Not sure what to say the boy just shyly said “I should really get back to my mom.”

“Of course Spencer, have a good night.”

*** _end flashback_ ***

* * *

Waking up with a jolt Reid felt a little disoriented and embarrassed when he realised just what, or rather who, he was sleeping on. The man was so warm and he could tell his weight was nothing against those firm muscles “s-sorry Derek” he whispered as he sat up properly, already missing the heat of the other man’s body. 

“Don’t be, I like a good cuddle just like the next man” the agent chimed with a warm smile and Spencer couldn’t help but return. They’d be landing soon and neither was looking forward to the meeting but they had some idea of where to begin and it seemed important to understanding the unsub.

* * *

JJ and Hotch felt half mad observing street and surveillance footage, the florist’s description either too vague or unreliable to go by however if the unsub was obsessed but not actively seeking to catch Spencer like a disloyal partner it was likely that he wasn’t stalked 24/7 - and maybe the unsub only knew of so many lovers which would explain the lack of accurate timeline. Meanwhile Rossi and Blake visited the new crime scene in person, looking through his things and finding out what they could “we’re never getting ahead of this guy, we’re just waiting for bodies to show up” Alex said frustratedly as she looked though the broken mess of the victim's apartment.

Rossi looked though his photographs and mail, the man volunteered in the local community and was much loved, it was sad to see. As he stepped into the hallway he noticed on a small sideboard a fresh vase of orchids, “Hey Blake, come look at these” and she did and both observed the delicate bouquet, nothing overly decorative but it didn’t match the victim’s uniformly chosen decor “these symbolise fertility, don't they?”

Alex dialled their go-to techie and asked “hey Garcia, from the crime scene photos did any of the others have vases of fresh flowers?”

“I will have a look through and send you images if there are any.”

Only moments later they were sent 6 photos, the first of Alcea Hollyhocks, second Papaver Poppies, Ulex Gorse, Tricyrtis Toad Lily, Zygopetalum and finally Napeta Cataria. “These aren't your typical florists' stock” Alex said “and what are the chances of our unsub going to a variety of florists? I don’t think so: Adam’s hiding something.”

“I agree and whoever it is that would think to get these is obsessed with fertility” Rossi concluded “don’t flowers come with a card or something?”

Both returned to the mess of a living room and carefully looked through the wreckage but it was difficult to find, eventually Alex spotted a small card, gloved fingers picking up the small item she inspected it to quite the discovery “check this, I was expecting a poem or a quote but it’s designed to have a small treat, maybe a chocolate inside.”

“So he knocks, says there’s a delivery from an admirer, maybe he hands the card separately - that way they take it in their hand and are compelled to eat it, he could even pull some schtick about a new recipe review or feedback, they try it and they're drugged, he then lets himself in.”

* * *

Morgan and Reid saw Mr Richardson, a much older man by now, despite his ill health he had a home gym to keep relatively fit in, any sickness was mostly seen in the pills on the table, bandaids on his arms and sunken, yellowish eyes. As the door opened those sickly eyes brightened, “is that…Spencer Reid?” a fondness to his tone and as he went to move closer Derek made sure to step between them, giving a stare that would make anyone think twice. 

“I’m SSA Morgan and this is Dr Reid, we’re with the FBI” and flashed his badge “we would like a moment of your time sir.”

The ex-teacher paused a moment before obliging “yes, of course, come on in” and stepped aside completely for Morgan, but in old habits moved a little closer when Spencer moved to enter the property, the younger this time far more aware of his intentions said a patient “excuse me” for him to move, which eventually he did. Inviting the two agents to sit he also took a seat gingerly and stared directly at the genius “you’ve certainly grown up, Spencer, still boyish though, how sweet.”

“If we could stick to business Mr Richardson, I'm sure you know why you were arrested” the young man countered firmly.

“…Of course, of course, oh I know it was wrong” the older man said.

“Can’t tell if that makes it better or worse” Morgan mumbles, “we were wondering if you remembered Dayson Gail at all, he didn't testify against you but-”

“I remember Dayson, he was as much a fanboy of you as I ever was” he answered but directing it to Spencer “by the end of it especially” making both agents grimace.

“Can I ask what you did to Dayson?” Spencer asked directly.

Again there was a pause and avoiding the question all together “how are you getting on Spencer?” and with a sly smile continued “you got yourself a partner or..?”

“Would you answer the question?” Derek pressed assertively.

“No, I don’t think I will…Dayson wasn’t that interesting really…but I couldn't expect any of them to be a bit as smart as you Spencer” turning his gaze back to the young man in front of him, eyes travelling for an uncomfortable length of time “he didn't even look like you, how dull.” Both agents felt sick hearing the man so easily dismiss a boy he abused, including the lack of denial over it, and it was especially concerning when Spencer thought about what might have happened if the teacher had asked Diana’s permission for access during one of her more vulnerable episodes. 

“When I was younger, you asked my mom to let you give private tutoring, what does that mean exactly?”

“Oh a smart cookie, but so innocent Spencer, that was in the trial so I’m happy to tell you, a little slip of paper is all it takes to silence a whole bunch of stuff, parents get all puffed up but tie their hands that little bit and…” he never finished as Derek said a warning “enough”.

But seeing an opportunity for more information Spencer Reid decided to push things “so…if my mom had signed, what would have happened?” Derek immediately shot him a glare but trusted him to know what he was doing. 

“Oh I asked myself that a million times” the ex-teacher mused.

“Tell me, I’d love to know, now I’m older looking back…I kind of regret it never happened” Spencer spoke deliberately, played along with Richardson’s interests and while Derek hated every moment of it he had to admit it was effective as he watched eyes light up.

“Back then I had a beautiful house, there was a large spare room dedicated just to tutoring, with you I would have exchanged writing and poetry. Have you read Gaius Petronius or E.E. Cummings?”

“So…erotic poetry, some” Spencer clarified for Morgan to follow the conversation easily. 

“ _I like my body when it is with your body_ ” Richardson started to recite with a tingle of excitement, Spencer glanced at Derek to tell him not to interrupt and the older man continued with he poem:

“it is so quite new a thing.

muscles better and nerves more.

I like your body. I like what it does,

I like its hows. I like to feel the spine

of your body and its bones, its trembling

firm smoothness and which I will

again and again and again

kiss, I like kissing this and that of you,

I like, slowly storing the shocking fuzz

of your electric fur, and what is it comes

over parting flesh…and eyes big love-crumbs…” the creep smiled and waited for Reid to finish it.

Deciding it was best to, Spencer concluded the poem with “and possibly I like the thrill... of under me you so quite new.” It became increasingly clear just why if Dayson was the unsub he would consider sharing quotes and poems to be integral to relationships, Richardson likely using these techniques mixed into his abuse.

“That mind of yours is endlessly enticing, hearing Cummings’ poetry from your lips is almost as exciting” the older man complimented, better yet when he heard Spencer ask just what else he might have experienced under his tutelage. “For you, oh I would teach you so much, poetry is best understood in experience, how can one truly live in poetry unless they have some relation to its subject.” There was a grey area in The Arts when it came to age restrictions and exposing minors to works, mature pieces contextualised as art transcending a great deal of barriers, but to imply those children under his guidance should experience first hand the contents of the works made it apparent just what was done to Dayson and other boys. 

“What else was in the room…?”

“There were bookcases and an ensuite, clothing racks for whatever one fancied to indulge in…a bed…I would show you so much, and somehow, I bet you would stay modest” Spencer thought to just leave but that last statement had him curious, especially pertaining to the way the unsub viewed Spencer as an innocent.

“How so?”

Taking a moment to mull over how to word his thoughts Richardson eventually found the best way to express it and started his musings “…some people only go as deep as the flesh, maybe deep enough to think to challenge such a claim as though an insult, but that’s where it ends. Some are deeper in fragility and ambition than flesh, but again it stops there. I’ve aways wondered what depths of you would reveal something ugly or beastly…but I don’t believe it’s there, and that is nothing short of miraculous” he said with a dreamy smile.

“You’re making a lot of assumptions about me” Spencer spoke, disliking how the man was looking at him, worse yet how when that gaze did more it landed observantly on Morgan.

“Your coworker here agrees with me” Richardson said smugly.

“With all due respect you don’t know me either, sir” Morgan challenged. 

“I just think, Spencer,” the criminal started turning back to the genius “that while some at their deepest and most vulnerable cry their eyes out, beg for mercy…or lie naked with a lover…I believe that unless the person was the utmost deserving and suited, even as you cry, are afraid or moan in ecstasy they would not see a glimpse of the depths of how darling you are.”

Both agents felt numb, neither able to quite deny the claim however strange it made the young genius feel but he figured one important detail from the ramble: “you spoke like that about me to the boys you tutored, didn't you?”

“Of course, only thing that kept me entertained really, however similar in appearance I could get them…nothing replaces that mind of yours and the eyes that show just how shallow the others were.”

“I think we’re done here” Derek said and Reid this time agreed and both stood and made their way to the door.

“Wait, Spencer” Richardson called making the agents stop and look his way “won’t you keep an old friend company, I worried how you might change in age, turns out you haven’t.” Both ignored him and left.

* * *

Derek and Reid sat in the car they’d been provided and were heading to the jet again, they’d talked about how gross the whole sorry business of that interview was and about what it meant for Dayson, after several minutes of silence Spencer spoke up about one thing he felt especially guilty of “sorry for making you hear that back there, Derek” knowing how personally the man could take such cases given his childhood experiences.

“Oh that wasn't what bothered me, what a creep” Derek said while focusing on the road.

Another long pause was shared between them before Spencer felt terribly curious “do you think he’s right?”

“About what exactly?”

“The part he said you agreed with” Spencer said neutrally and even without looking Derek knew those puppy dog eyes were on him, trying to read any micro expression possible. 

He needed to be honest and open, as terrible as the crimes were and unjust the motivations he couldn’t pretend knowing Spencer didn’t inspire certain ways of thinking “there’s something to it, it wasn't his place to involve himself or eroticise it, but…at your core you're good, at your core you are sweet. Some people bring their toxicity to that and they're exactly the people we need to take down.” Sparing a small moment to make eye contact Derek couldn’t describe the the feelings in his heart just then, it was powerful whatever it was, before returning his eyes to the road.

* * *

After several miles they stopped for gas and Reid went to use the restroom on the other side of the station while Derek filled the tank. Despite meeting with such a perverted criminal just prior the pair held a false sense of security being in a different state from where all the murders were committed that neither spotted the relevance from the harmless looking van pull up near the restroom door. It was only after Morgan had completed his task and paid that he got a paranoid feeling crawling up his neck and decided to walk around and check on his friend. 

But it was when he saw the door left wide open with no one inside and his favourite person no where to be seen that a sudden feeling of dread came over him, a panic in his veins as he searched the area, trying to call Spencer to no answer, and asked whoever he could if they’d seen the agent. His heart started pounding in his chest and all he could hear was his blood pulsing in his ears when he rushed to the station attendee and asked if there were any camera’s on that side of the property. 

Playing it back Morgan’s mind screamed at him as he watched Spencer be forced at gun point to disarm and take something the unsub handed him, some sort of edible and his poor pretty boy very quickly started to feel its effects, dazed he was forced to enter the vehicle and the bastard drove them away. Said unsub looking just like a certain florist they’d interviewed - Adam Linden. Thoroughly confused as they were sure the unsub had to be Gail, but even more so he was worried to hell Morgan felt like punching the screen - but instead dialled Hotch to explain what just happened. They needed to find Spencer before that twisted fucker could do anything to harm him.


	6. Perfect

When Derek and Reid had flown to Nevada part of the team followed their suspicions about the florist and unable to contact him they checked out his shop personally, Rossi and Blake checking through the work computer and receipts, checking storage and beyond Garcia finding that Adam had indeed ordered the unique flowers to his shop placing him responsible for delivering the bouquets everything seemed legit. It was only after checking behind the main shop and obtrusive displays they found a back room with tables for set up but quickly realised there were sealed tubs of illegal substances…such as tranquillisers…and right next to a series of candies and chocolates.

If that wasn’t damning enough as they explored the adjoining apartment just above the shop they immediately found piles of books and papers from poetry to flower studies to classic literature and in the bedroom finally hundreds of photos of Spencer stuck to the walls. Some were taken first hand but most were printed articles, papers he’s published and more. While they were glad to know their unsub’s identity, now confident the description he gave was just to throw them off the scent, his motivation was still unknown considering they were pretty sure the description of Dayson Gail fit the profile and clues perfectly. 

Sharing their findings over the phone to Garcia she in turn shared Hotch and JJ’s findings in several clips sent straight to their cells showing Adam subtly at several venues like libraries and coffee shops, even a street camera to show him following Spencer albeit from a distance. Despite tying Adam to the crimes none of the profilers could quite shake how perfect Dayson was to the details of the unsub so Rossi asked “Garcia, could you cross information between Adam Linden and Dayson Gail, see if anything comes up?”

“Okay…” she said and at lightning speed ran through information and as both men’s lives were looked at side by side she exclaimed “holy moly.”

“What did you find, Penelope?” Alex asked. 

“They look so similar as kids, so much so that a grown up Dayson could totally pass for an grown up Adam, especially if no one saw him in years” she insinuated given how Adam’s history showed him travelling and being educated abroad for years.

“Assuming someone’s identity is a big leap” Rossi started “any clues as to what could have happened to Adam?”

Penelope ran through Adam’s history to see if there were any points that his behaviour changed and finally “checking…wow…subscriptions, light gambling, it all stopped. Adam was working in Boston at the time and quit via email without notice the same day as a lot of these accounts were closed or emptied…and both guys lost their fathers and last remaining family during the same year - if Dayson was to take Adam’s place it’s the perfect time to do so.” 

“Check for any John Does found around that time that meet Linden’s description, most likely stabbed to death.”

* * *

The tranquilliser was fast working but didn’t last too long, Spencer’s head pounding as he just focused on his breathing, feeling dizzy and unable to see as he slowly came into sharper focus, feeling heavy and clumsy. As noise slowly filtered past his hazy mind he heard the sound of an engine and tried to looked around the van he was in, only coming to realise he was blindfolded, panicking he jerked his hands instinctually only to find he was restrained, his hands tied together and around something keeping him stuck to a particular spot by his wrists, the vaguest of memories of getting into this state. 

He nervously had to assess his disadvantage, coming out of deliriousness in a moving vehicle, blindfolded and bound inside, no gun or means of defending himself, being taken God knows where by a deluded obsessed serial killer armed with a gun and blades in a different state from the majority of his team. Fuck. The only thing going for him was how precious he was to his kidnapper’s fantasies and that he wasn’t waking up stabbed or mutilated in any way. It was unlikely he would be killed straight away, so he would have an opportunity to speak with his captor and would need to keep him calm…keep him hopeful.

He vaguely recalled the face of the man who threatened him though the tranquilliser kept the memory foggy, but he could have sworn it was Adam Linden the florist despite being so certain the unsub had to be Dayson Gail, they would look similar and he felt like there was something missing and now was not the time to be a step behind. He had no idea how long he’d been out when he started yelling, he went ignored for minutes and realised he must be somewhere remote or the vehicle soundproofed. All in all it couldn’t have been more than half an hour since waking up when he felt and heard the vehicle stop, painfully having to brace at the sudden halt, the driver clearly either on edge or overly excited. 

After a few moments the door was quickly slid open making him flinch at the large clang, he could tell by the faintest of light perception through the blindfold that the sunlight entered from the open side of the van.“Spencer” came a gentle voice he recognised as the florists, “I know you can’t see me right now, I wanted it to be a surprise” came the confusingly cheerful tone and Spencer had to keep his fear responses from taking over but he couldn't control the increased heart rate. “But it’s me, Dayson…so you can trust me with anything” came the most confident and calm of statements, and now Reid, although he didn't know how, knew that Adam and Dayson were in some way the same person.

He realised from the movements and tugging at his wrists he likely had thick cable ties restraining him, each wrist looped around and several tying them to each other tightly, he heard and felt the pull of a knife cutting the spare ones connecting him to something in the van before hands covered his own, a thumb caressing his fingers as though the moment was something precious. The grip strong and he knew better than to struggle when his captor was armed and he was literally unarmed, bound and blind. 

Shakily Spencer tried to find his voice, realising just how much danger he was in, knowing his options were to either feed his fantasies or die trying it was difficult not to just break down in hysterics, but he managed a quiet “Dayson…where are we?”

A light hearted laugh made him feel ill before hearing “I told you it was a surprise, come on, there’s a side step so careful now, sweetheart.” The voice very kind and Spencer was sure the man was being genuine but sincerity didn’t help a murderous stalker with vivid delusions. He was guided from the van and gently guided several steps, the grip on his wrists never let go for a moment as he heard a heavy door open in front of him and soon after a surprised female voice made his blood run cold. Immediately he heard a gunshot and the woman’s scream die in her throat, followed by the loud dead thump of her body hitting the floor. There must have been a railing of some sort as he was quickly tied to something while Dayson likely went around the building to clear the rooms - several gunshots could be heard as well as distant screams and pleas for mercy.

Eventually the killer returned and was heard taking the first woman’s keys and locking the front door. Taking several deep breaths Spencer knew he was trembling but tried to keep his wits around him and think clearly to best handle the situation. As Dayson severed the tie to the railing Spencer managed a “Dayson…why did you hurt them?” but he was completely ignored, as though, completely unheard and realised just how selective the man’s observations of reality were. He felt a firm arm hook around him to keep balanced, the man not unfit but not bulked up in shape either from what he could feel as the other man was tensing to keep Spencer securely in his grasp.

“We’re going up some stairs so be careful now” the man said too close to the profiler’s ear making him flinch before slowly guiding him up a couple flights of stairs and down a hallway before reaching a door and lead inside, again the door being locked behind him. It was then and only then that Dayson gently started to remove the blindfold as Spencer’s eyes adjusted to the room he realised they must be in a hotel judging by certain elements of the suite and realised the first woman must have been a receptionist, others being guests in the property. 

The room itself was beautiful, simple, but lovely, from what he could see from the window however told him they likely didn’t have any neighbours that would hear him and it really was down to his team finding his location. So he had to stall. It was only then that he had a proper look at Dayson Gail, he hadn’t paid much mind to the florist when he went by the name Adam for whatever reason. The man was handsome, smaller build, and anyone on a glance would have just considered him to be a charming, friendly guy…except Spencer knew just how insane he could be, the very fact that his clothes had blood splatters and he held both a gun with a knife visible in his pocket while smiling sweetly towards him made the genius want to run. If he could that was.

Any nerves he had Dayson couldn’t see them, too blinded by his fantasy but he wasn’t so lost he wouldn’t be prepared to threaten for obedience as he had to get Spencer in his vehicle, moments he was more perceptive of reality than others and Spencer knew it would be tricky to find the balance, but he really had no choice. A caressing hand lay over his arm, gently pulling him toward the bed and Spencer gulped, terrified of what the man might do to him. “Sit” came the simple instruction and he did before his wrists were attached firmly to the headboard but due to the height of it he realised he would both be able to sit up and lie down easily if needed. 

Worried the man might move immediately into a wedding night scenario Spencer was relieved when the dark haired man sat, almost shyly, by his side on the bed. “Are you nervous?” he asked and Reid almost laughed at the absurdity but pushed that urge away and just nodded, “you’re always so adorable…once you're dressed for the wedding I think you’ll feel much better.” Spencer had to steel himself as Dayson leaned to him and kissed his cheek tenderly “I’ll get everything ready, love”

“W-wait…” Spencer tried, stalling as much as possible “let’s talk, get to know each other.”

“Oh we know each other Spencer…what are you kidding around for?” he asked lightly.

Reid would have to play into the man’s fantasies, even though he wouldn’t know them in detail or just what events Dayson believed had already occurred between hem “y-you’re right, but it’s been a long time since we’ve had a moment alone like this, just us and calm” he was nervous as fuck every moment he spoke in that fake, gentle tone but mustered a smile to be convincing “it’s nice.”

And thus the pair started a one-sidedly loving and and one-sidedly petrified conversation, Spencer learning that the hotel room was the Gail’s parents had stayed at for their union, and that there was indeed a wedding dress and that it was Dayson’s mothers one which had been altered. Any chance the man got to compliment Spencer he took, from his appearance to his mind and his heart, or whatever idea Dayson had of it, the man would gush and ramble happily. Then he talked about how they met, which at least was grounded in some reality involving the book The Children of Men but instead of the exchange being minimal it was turned into a deeply thoughtful gifting. 

Abruptly came the dark topic of “the sacrifices” making Spencer’s mind fill with images of all the poor victims of this very dangerous serial killer, “I should have punished them more but…I wasn’t sure if-”

“You did wonderfully,” Spencer interrupted him, trying to avoid him thinking he needed any more lives taken and the saddest thing was just how happy hearing that simple praise made Dayson.

“Were there enough of them?” he asked, making sure he had done things right according to the messed up logic in his head.

“Yes, perfect” Spencer managed to get out and reading the man’s expression he felt confident he wasn’t about to go off to murder again, a double edged blade considering that likely meant he would be spending such time with the agent.

Looking into the brunette’s eyes with utter adoration, Dayson gently caressed Spencer’s cheek before tucking a stray lock of hair behind his ear delicately “you make me so very happy, love.” While that statement was emotionally completely true to his captor Reid couldn’t help but focus on his immediate needs over and over in his mind - don’t die, stall a possible rape, find his phone or a weapon. So romantic? 

* * *

Hotch had received the emergent call from Morgan and since then the team were doing whatever they could to figure out where Gail could have taken their agent. Everyone on a connected call line and speaker to best communicate with one another despite the distance between Morgan and the rest of the team. “Reid knows that to stay safe he’ll have to feed into Gail’s delusion or it’ll trigger a violent snap” Hotch spoke, trying to at least comfort that Spencer could use strategy until they could locate and reach him. 

“I’m gonna have a violent snap for this bastard if he lays a hand on Reid” Morgan threw back, far from calm.

“Hey guys” Penelope interrupted.

“What have you got for us, baby girl?”

“I’ve not found our boy genius but unfortunately I think I’ve found Adam” she said before elaborating “at the time that a lot of his accounts closed a John Doe was found in his car with multiple stab wounds, only the coroner found he was stabbed in the throat first during a struggle, then the stomach and the groin.”

“Sounds like Gail’s first kill, nervous and maybe spontaneous?” Blake posed the question “was there any semen found at the scene?”

“None, however Adam did die…umm…’at attention’, creeps me out that they can tell that sort of stuff” Garcia rambled nervously, clearly more bothered by their missing team member than the information itself.

“Do you think it could be that Linden came on to Gail,” Rossi mused “then when Gail’s childhood trauma triggered he lost it?”

JJ replied sympathetically “he’d feel lost, maybe that’s when he started looking for hope and safety, he would have started obsessing over Spence at that point.”

“It would likely start out slow, like a fantasy or daydream, then maybe he looks him up and eventually stalks him?” Blake completed the scenario. 

Aaron only made them more confident in the theory as he added “Dayson’s father would have been terminally ill around the same time Adam’s died, and when Dayson was posing as Adam he mentioned his father being homophobic, that would have contributed to the pressure of being a ‘good son’.

“This probably worked fine to pacify his problems for years, then he realises Spencer is not being loyal to him and between his fantasies and not wanting another struggle like Adam, the time to perfect the tranquilliser and delivery service…it all lines up.”

“Garcia, did you find anything tracking Reid’s phone?” Rossi checked in on that front again.

“I wish I could say so, it’s still either turned off or it’s broken but believe me if it’s even on for a blip I’ll catch it.”

* * *

The idle chit chat only worked so long when Dayson decided that it was time to change into their wedding attire, even at some point believing Spencer had audibly agreed which he hadn’t. Shaking like a leaf his clothes were cut from his body until completely nude, feeling so vulnerable he could cry Reid did his best to stay calm, luckily Dayson did not become distracted or deter from his ideal formalities. Spencer’s still bound wrists were temporarily split from the headboard and each other but still under threat of a weapon to pull the bulk of the gown overhead and fit the sleeves over his arms before being returned and bound to the bed. 

He was given no undergarments or footwear of any kind, only the dress which appeared to be an original vintage tea length gown which despite alterations came to just above the knee on Spencer, made from cotton and lace with nothing too flamboyant given the style, the skirt designed to flare out by structure rather than any puffy layers. Carefully his nails were painted which he was glad took some time to do, the slightest of makeup was applied in the form of lip tint and modest eyeliner. And finally there was no veil but his hair was brushed and his natural waves embraced before adding delicate flowers to finish the look. 

“Beautiful” the dark haired killer beamed to his ‘bride’ “and to think that beast wanted to keep you away from me…”

“What beast?” Spencer asked without thinking, though from the context of The Children of Men any man whom Spencer had slept with or lived the noncommittal bachelor lifestyle would qualify. He was slightly taken aback when he heard the name “Derek Morgan” topple from his captors lips. “H-he’s a good friend of mine,” Spencer tried to defend him nervously “he was only trying to protect me” assuming Dayson had considered him an obstacle both by keeping watch at his apartment and being at the station.

“Covet you,” Dayson said “it can be seen as protective…but it’s okay, I've proven those brutes can’t get us, not anymore.” Spencer tensed as the man caressed his hair careful to not disturb any of the delicately placed flowers “not that I can blame them, it makes me so happy every day that you would even know who I am, but to be here today I…” and his dreamy nothings tapered off as eyes focused behind Spencer to the hand’s bound to the headboard “…where’s the ring?” he asked suddenly.

At some point Dayson must have fantasised about a proposal, especially given his reference to Spencer as his fiancé, the lack of symbolic jewellery meaning his reality and actual reality weren't lining up, rather than risk jarring Dayson’s beliefs too much which could make him unpredictable Reid decided to try implanting a thought into the fantasy “…it didn't fit…remember? You were supposed to get another one but time got away.”

There was a long and intense pause, long enough for Spencer to fear his strategy had failed before Dayson eventually replied “…yes, oh with everything else I lost track, I'm so sorry my love.”

Deciding to try his luck Spencer even added “there’s still time” and despite his discomfort maintained the gaze to increase any empathy the man possessed. Eventually nodding ”you’re right, I’ll be right back” Dayson said before claiming his lips in a strong kiss, unable and unwise to reject it Spencer just froze as he felt the man’s forceful lips invading his space and he had to fight every natural instinct not to just fight him off. As the kiss ended Dayson stood and taking his weapons with him, locked the door behind him as he went to fetch the ring he’d imagined Spencer to have.

All Reid wanted to do was crawl into a ball and cry but he had to make the most of the opportunity that had presented itself while also being careful at first in case Dayson hadn’t gone far and could hear him, after a few minutes however he tried to call out but was sure it was of no use. Instead he shifted his plan to something more active and looked around the room for his phone, eventually his eyes laying upon his pile of discarded clothes across the room. Being tied to the headboard he knew it wouldn't be easy, it would also be time consuming given the make and weight of the bed as well as the manoeuvring it would require but he had to try. 

Awkwardly he was able to shimmy his legs to just barely touch the floor at the side of the bed, first he had to move the head of the bed away from the wall which took some time and a lot of effort given his lack of purchase but eventually the bed scooted across the floor enough that he could begin the bruising squeeze around the heavy duty headboard to eventually stand behind it. He had to stop and catch his breath for a moment, his wrists feeling on fire and muscles twitching with all the stretching and pulling but he had no idea how much or how little time he had so soldiered on. 

With better leverage but feeling the time pressure him he pushed and pulled the bed around the floor as best as possible to avoid disturbing anything else in the room while also ignoring his protesting muscles. It had already taken him a long time and he would have to correct the bed before his captor returned so when Spencer finally reached his pile of clothes he felt such relief wash over him. Shakily removing his phone from his pocket with uncoordinated toes, he eventually succeeded in guiding it to the bed. Before using it however he quickly tried to move the bed backinto place so he didn't have to frantically cover up his behaviour.

Finally Spencer managed to correct the room and while he felt exhausted and sore, his face flushed and knowing in a couple hours he would be covered in various bruises he was able to sit back on the bed. Again using his feet and legs before eventually placing the phone in his mouth, he then turned on all fours to face the headboard, his wrists burning at the friction as he turned in his restraints rushed to place the cell in his bound hands. Panting fiercely he couldn’t care less how he sounded over the call as he turned on the device, the opening screen feeling like ti took forever as he feared Dayson could come back any moment and eventually dialled his team.


	7. Parenthesis

Hotch’s phone displayed a call from the very agent the team were rushing to find, “it’s Reid” he explained and immediately he answered, Garcia started to trace the call as best she could and the rest of the team listened in on the call including Derek connected from Nevada. “Spencer?” their leader asked and instantly they could hear a breathless genius over the call.

“H-Hotch, I’m at a hotel” the young agent got out as quickly as possible, his tone clearly fearful but focused on survival.

“Are you alright?” JJ asked, emotionally on edge at her missing friend but didn’t waste any time.

“So far…” telling the team he was still in great danger but so far uninjured, worse yet Spencer continued with an absurdly tiring fact “but I'm literally in a wedding dress and tied to a bed - so not for long” and despite the oddity of the scenario the connotations of Reid’s predicament and the unsub’s intentions were absolutely terrifying.

“Do you know where you are?” Alex asked.

“I didn't see the name of the hotel, I was blind folded but I know it’s remote yet high class, h-he killed the staff and I don’t know how many others, I was out for a while during transport but once I woke up it was maybe half an hour.”

“Where is Gail now?” Rossi asked, trying to find out how much time the agent had to speak and how long until he would be at risk from Gail’s delusions.

“One of his delusions included that he’d proposed to me, when he saw I didn’t have a ring I convinced him to go get one, so far it’s probably been 35 to 40 minutes” and the team felt some relief that Spencer was able to influence his captor somewhat but also knew he couldn’t delay the inevitable indefinitely.

“Is he violent with you?” Derek asked, on speaker and connected to the conversation regardless of distance, sat in his provided car waiting for any kind of instruction or direction to go in, fists clenching in anxiety hoping for news any moment to get his boy wonder the hell out of that place.

“Not yet, I’m playing into his fantasy but trying to stall, he has a gun and a knife and no shortage of cable ties” Spencer said“he changes from being able to perceive reality as is for necessity to completely blind or deaf to things that don’t fit his delusions” which explained his ability to kill the receptionist and hotel guests. “I can’t see anything that’ll identify the hotel, no branding…wait, he said the hotel was the same his parents went to, likely for their wedding night” he offered hoping it would help in anyway.

“Anything yet on the trace, Garcia?” Hotch asked.

“It’s going to take me a while, signal is so weak so Reid - no matter what you need to stay on the line” she said and at least there was some hope but it was time running out that was the real concern.

* * *

Derek sat in his car, feeling sick and angry at the idea of what could possibly happen to Spencer while he just sat uselessly waiting by the police station, after the incident at the gas stop, officers ready for the call to assist the moment any instruction was given. He found himself praying that Spencer be returned safe but also promised himself that no matter what state Reid returned in, and he fully planned on doing whatever it took to make that happen, to make sure the young genius knew just how incredible and strong he was. “The moment you got a location baby girl let me know” he spoke trying to sound way more calm than he was, his mind this horrible mess between recalling the fear of the Henkel case and hoping Spencer never experienced anything like what Morgan had either.

His heart dropped when he heard a hushed Spencer say “I think that’s him coming back.”

“We need you to stay on the line, pretty boy” Derek said firmly and could hear “I’l hide the ph-” before a bunch of shuffling and he could only hope his friend had successfully concealed the cell before Gail entered the room. Also as grateful as he was that Reid didn't panic and hang up, as many do under the pressure, he realised he’d now have to listen to the bastard and just whatever he was going to put Spencer through. 

“Dayson,” he heard, the voice sounding further away and the phone was likely just under the bed “how did…” came a moment of confusion but he didn’t sound like he’d been caught “…is that a lamb?” he heard Reid ask and despite the oddity Derek knew the crazed killer likely had indeed brought an actual lamb - another symbol of fertility. “W-where did you get that?” he asked, impossibly keeping his voice even somehow.

Derek wished he could reach through the phone and throttle Gail as after hearing some movements he heard a misplaced friendly tone over the call “it was on my route, another sacrifice to bless our union,” followed by a slight creak of the bed springs telling Morgan Spencer had been approached. The line went quiet for a moment and it took some careful listening to their breathing and the sound of shifting weight but he realised that fucker was actually kissing Reid and Derek already felt like he’d failed Spencer in some ways. Telling himself he should have been vigilant or thought of the unsub’s plan, and while illogical that he could have anticipated any of this, it still hurt and every passing moment that Spencer wasn’t safe Derek’s arms felt empty.

No noise told the agent’s that the lamb was dead, sacrificed as Gail had said, the scene becoming all the more graphic when they heard Gail say “oh, silly me, I need to be careful, almost got blood on the dress” and chuckling like it was some silly afterthought they heard a small clang and realised the whole time Gail had still been holding the knife before placing it down.

Their phones excellent at noise isolation so the team didn’t feel restrained to be quiet on the line Derek felt yet another clue reach a dead end when Penelope explained there was no trail to figure out which hotel Gail’s parent’s stayed at and so she was purely focusing on tracing Spencer’s location. He heard Blake on the other end of the call mention searching also for jewellers and farms within the travel time needed to head out, buy a ring, head back and slaughter an animal. Better yet he heard JJ then add that the tranquillisers had been examined as well as what effect the dosages would have, giving them an estimate for how long Reid would have been passed out after abduction.

* * *

Spencer sat on the bed, doing his best not to stare at the limp body of a lamb that was left near the door, poor thing with its neck slit and blood pooling onto the carpet, Dayson after realising the mess he was in removed his jacket and quickly changed in the ensuite though the door was open so Spencer didn’t feel prepared to speak. The man emerged looking handsome, or as handsome as a murderer could be, in formal pants and tie with a quality white shirt and elegant waistcoat Spencer realised he too had dressed ‘for the occasion’. The dark haired man only returned to his jacket to collect a small box, swiftly rejoining Spencer on the plush bed before opening the box to reveal a beautiful platinum gold ring, the design was modest but truly lovely. 

Reaching over Spencer’s shoulder Dayson took hold of the brunette’s hands, caressing them sweetly before placing the jewellery on Reid’s ring finger, admiring it for several quiet moments before kissing the agent’s cheek lovingly. “Perfect fit, it’ll look beautiful next to my mother’s wedding ring too.” 

“Thank you, i-it’s beautiful…where did you buy it?” he asked hoping the answer would be of help except that Dayson completely ignored the question. He tried again to gain information after a pause and asked in a conversational tone “the hotel is beautiful too, what was it called again?” 

For a moment he thought he would just be ignored again, but instead Dayson looked to him with playful eyes and said “do you pretend to forget things just to talk to me more? There’s no need” the man smiled, his delusion again placing Spencer in a role he didn’t know enough about “I may not be a genius like you but I’ll happily talk poetry or prose whenever you like. But we’ll have plenty of time for that. Here…” and he placed a piece of paper in Spencer’s skirted lap allowing him to read the contents. He forced himself not to respond when Dayson chimed “as amazing as your memory is nothing like word in print...just as you asked” based on a memory of nothing more than a delusion Spencer then had to play along as though he had asked for such a thing. Par for the course with a deluded serial killer by now.

“You remembered” Spencer said and faked a smile before he glanced to the words and when he did sickeningly realised the words were from another E. E. Cummings poem, perhaps something Mr Richardson pushed on him during his abuse. Spencer made sure to say it aloud “E.E. Cummings - ‘Since Feeling is First’” knowing Derek would be able to hear and then tell the team the relevance of the poem to Gail, also painfully aware of being listened to.

“Shall we begin?” Dayson asked, looking at Spencer adoringly and at very least he meant some form of ‘wedding’ rather than the consummation but every task completed was a step closer to harm, the kissing alone making Spencer feel gross.

“Could you untie me?” Reid asked hoping for the ‘ceremony’ an exception would be allowed, but again it was ignored, instead the man knelt on the bed in front of Spencer and given his state of undress beneath the dress made him feel thoroughly uncomfortable. “Since you’re so nervous…I’ll speak first and then you, my love” Dayson said and from memory read aloud the poem, from his tone he sounded truly in love and happy which only made Reid more scared and sad for the state of the man. 

“Since feeling is first

who pays any attention

to the syntax of things

will never wholly kiss you;

Wholly to be a fool

while Spring is in the world

My blood approves,

and kisses are a better fate

than wisdom

lady I swear by all flowers. Don’t cry

– the best gesture of my brain is less than

your eyelids’ flutter which says

We are for each other; then

laugh, leaning back in my arms

for life’s not a paragraph

And death I think is no parenthesis.”

The poem was said much to the effect of a vow, in another life perhaps something terribly charming to do with a real loved one, the final line almost an acknowledgement of ‘till death do us part’ and dismissing it’s limitation - both for living in the now and any concept of commitment as including forever. Instead it was merely a detail in a serial killers fantasies, an illegitimate ‘vow’ to desperately chase an impossible happiness, the form of which shaped by pressure of legacy and a childhood of mental and sexual abuse. If he wasn’t so terrified Spencer would be focusing on just how much help the poor man needed. 

Dayson then nodded his head to Reid, signalling it was his turn, and with a shaky breath Spencer glanced over the words despite his perfect memory, the dark haired man only looked at him as though his ‘wedding jitters’ were cute to see, and Spencer started to repeat the poem back, every word one step closer to Dayson’s most fragile minded challenge. Given his past of abuse and his inability to penetrate his other victims Spencer was caught in a horrific crossroad, on one hand if Gail’s idea of ‘commitment’ helped him overcome these barriers he wouldn’t snap but proceed with rape, otherwise if he should fail to complete the ‘consummation’ he would be so confused and hurt his fantasies would no longer be sustained and send him into a murderous rage. 

* * *

“Bingo, my lovelies” Derek heard over the phone, Garcia’s relieved voice finally making the agent’s adrenaline kick into gear and his heart swell with some hope of getting his pretty boy home alive “presuming he stole the lamb on his way back, he likely took the road I’m sending to you now, it would allow him enough time to get to a fancy little jewellers, very nice I must say, and there are a series of buildings and hotels, one in particular is called The Shepherds’ Swains House like the poem our creepazoid sent with the flowers. As the queen of all things awesome I deserve many pretty things but I shall put that on hold until boy wonder is back and brilliant as ever” she said trying to keep focused, her usual sassy self there but also readably worried for their friend. 

“You’re the best, baby girl” Derek said so thankful for the queen of all thing’s awesome’s help. Checking the address on his phone he immediately signalled to the local forces waiting for just such a sign and everything kicked into gear. After getting everyone ready to head out in no time flat, Morgan put his foot down on the gas and heading as quickly as possible to the hotel. Hoping Reid could stall long enough for him to get there but the length of time required for the journey was not ideal but he could still hear the room.

* * *

As Reid read back the ‘vows’, nervousness laced through his voice with every sound but Dayson either couldn’t notice or misinterpreted it. Reid pretended he preferred to read from the paper rather than from his memory, if only to avoid looking at those soft eyes that admired him the whole time. 

“…w-we are for each other; then

laugh, leaning back in my arms

for life’s not a paragraph...

And death…I think is no parenthesis.””

After finishing Spencer continued to keep his eyes fixed to the paper, hoping the world could just pause and relent for a while, instead the poem was removed and placed on the bedside table next to the knife and a gentle hand caressed his cheek, guiding him into a kiss. Spencer couldn’t keep the pained expression at bay as he was forced into the act, shuddering as an unpleasant chill ran down his spine. The hand moved into his hair, a little less caring about the delicate flowers and Spencer knew the time for formalities had passed, Dayson pulling back with a love filled gaze.

He pulled from his waistcoat pocket two white gold wedding bands, placing one on his own finger and the smaller one he reached over to place what was likely Gail’s mother’s ring on Spencer’s finger, being slender the ring still managed to fit although a little tight. “Aww you're so nervous, how sweet…but there is no need to be coy in our marriage bed, Spencer.”


	8. Persevere

Reid told himself he couldn’t afford to resist, if he broke Dayson’s fantasy he could snap and he knew how to use a knife and was unafraid to fire the gun. In his head he knew time wise he was unlikely to get out of this unharmed, the difficulty of facing being molested and raped filled him with an indescribable dread but he knew it was that or death, still he tried to stall and remained in fear of Gail’s murderous break being outwith his control at all.

Any words were drowned out by kisses and with his hands bound to the headboard he couldn't do much but allow the dark haired man to do as he pleased, any time he managed to get out a light sounding question or distraction he was ignored and the kisses only deepened, eventually travelling down his neck. His struggle to breathe calmly was likely mistaken for passion as it was then Dayson shifted his position, pulling the agent down onto the mattress by his hips, skirt riding up in places and the restraints tight with the knew angle of his wrists. 

Dayson pressed against him, eventually moving to place himself between Spencer’s legs and all Reid could do was try not to panic and block out the pressure of the dark haired man who moved over him, even feeling the clothed erection against him, his skirted body tense from fear and in no way compliant or reciprocating. As kisses were deepened Reid realised the man was not the most experienced but that was to be expected, especially including his difficulty in response to childhood abuse. A hand slid up his side and eventually to his chest, feeling him there and caressing as he pressed closer, a slight grind of the hips and eventually pulled away from the kiss, Spencer unable to hide his trembling.

“Spencer, I love you so much, you know that?” Dayson hummed and kissed down the pale throat, another unwanted grind between his legs making Spencer relieved his captor wasn’t watching his expression just then. Hand’s still continued to wander, eventually riding the skirt up even higher when he felt over long thighs.

“I know, Dayson…” whispered Reid, but as much as he tried he couldn’t keep the upset tells from his voice, even through the rose tinted view of Gail’s.

Hand’s and lips idled as the dark haired killer looked Spencer in the eye, “what's wrong, my love?” and that stare struck something in Spencer’s primal need to survive, fully striking him in a moment that could make or break his chances at living through this. Stalling was something, but it wasn’t worth his life however terrifying, part of him just wishing he could know how much time he had to wait for his team to find him. 

Rather than respond like some agitated pet Spencer let himself visibly take in a calming breath and then made himself lean forward, burying his head against Dayson’s shoulder as though he would ever seek comfort in the man, “n-nothing, I’m just nervous, I…I’m a little overwhelmed” he tried to get out clearly, heart hammering in his chest “and then I think how silly that I should be shy around you” he did his best to sound fond of Dayson “and then I get embarrassed and the whole thing starts over.” Just to make the whole thing more believable Spencer then lay his head back against the pillows before nuzzling his kidnapper into a kiss, one with skills learned and he knew would make Dayson feel good, and therefore greater convinced of their connection, terribly scared for his life.

Any doubt that may have occurred to Gail was washed away as he returned the kiss with vigour, one hand then weaving into wavy hair as the other’s fingertips played over fair skin and reached further under the fabric. Parting but no great distance between them when Dayson whispered “I want to make you feel good, Spencer,” before kissing him again, this time those curious fingers touching between his legs making Spencer hold his breath, the sensation of the forceful hand over his soft member, starting to play and feel him, made the agent want to cry and fight back. Were he not bound and a sitting duck perhaps a reckless part of him would have panicked and tried but as he was all he could do was endure. Worse still was trying to put on a brave face of all things while he was molested.

Kissing down Spencer’s neck, and collarbone, sucking on the flesh there Dayson had built some confidence from Spencer’s act and as one hand stimulated blood flow against every fibre of Reid’s being causing a strictly biological response to the clumsy friction, his weight intimidatingly over the vulnerable body of the agent. “My blushing bride, relax, I want nothing more than to look after you and care for you for the rest of my days.”

* * *

As the audio, while distant, could be heard over the phone Jennifer as strong as she had become over her years of experience felt so awful for her friend she became unable to keep her feelings in, everyone feeling useless in a different state from where the action was but she especially became stressed and tears betrayed her control. Blake consoled her and whispered words of comfort, how Morgan and officers were on their way and just how strong Spencer was, JJ just being taken right back so easily to years prior in the Henkel case. Blake clearly not as calm as she sounded, stumbling over it from time to time and catching herself as she almost called him Ethan mindlessly, the team still unaware of the son she lost, a son that held many similarities to the young genius in trouble right now and a motherly heart never went away as she couldn’t help but feel a parental tug of protection for Reid. 

Garcia meanwhile was too afraid to leave her screens, she didn't think there was any more work to be done on her end but her fingers remained stressed and ready to help if needed even for a second, the sounds over the call painful to listen to especially knowing just how scared Reid must be and trying to stay so calm. Hotch and Rossi meanwhile were the most communicative with Derek, not distracting him from driving but trying to instruct on strategy upon arrival. Rossi was perhaps the most calm, however awful as the noises were over the phone the more he heard he could be sure Spencer was alive, and knowing how deceptively brave and strong the young man was if anyone could navigate this situation it was him, it really was only a confidence in Spencer’s skills that kept them from losing it like everyone else. Just have the boy genius come back alive, then every effort could be made to help him lick his wounds after however awful was the top priority.

Despite his own coping mechanisms the profilers could see how they weren’t working their usual results for Aaron, being a leader Hotch felt terribly guilty for all the young man was going through and like anyone would in Hotch’s position he was irrationally in his head telling himself he should have seen things coming, somehow expected the unsub to have crossed state lines and know what he was planning - which of course was impossible. Aaron’s focus on strategy the only thing keeping him calm, especially as the words and sounds over the call, while vague, were sounding more and more difficult for Reid. 

Everyone fell silent when they heard Spencer, despite his acting make a pained sound, like a gasp and eventually a whimper, any whispers unclear and unable to make them out. At the mere thought that they might be hearing Spencer go through the worst moment of his life Alex finally took JJ from the room despite her wanting to stay in support and Garcia shakily wiped away tears uncaring about any smudged eyeliner. As out of touch as it seemed, there came a point where the team had to accept they’d done all they could do from where they were and just turn their attention to being observant and supportive, including of each other to get through this.

* * *

Spencer had tried to not make a noise, anything, maybe a quiet response that wouldn't be embarrassing for the team to hear and could be confused for positive by Dayson, but instead as the agent was pinned to the mattress under the dangerous man, lavishing him with kisses and the hand that had been stroking him inevitably moved lower, without much warning a finger being pressed inside of him and something just gave. He couldn’t stop the tears or the whimper as he was invaded by a dry and inexperienced hand, the finger being thrust inside of him several times and he thought he might vomit at what was being done to his body. 

Part of his whimper was swallowed by Dayson’s kiss, as sick as the idea was he had thought for a moment to ask for some kind of lubricant, but he’d learned by now that he would at best be ignored and at worst set off his attacker for not fitting with his idea of what sex was. The tears were ignored luckily, likely being so close and indulgent with the object of his affections Dayson was well into his fantasy, as a second finger was entered into him Spencer tried to contain the noise at the unwanted burning. Were it just pain he would be fine, he could handle that, but between fear for his life while completely vulnerable and the one-sided taking, not sharing, of his body just made him feel gross. 

By accident he found the prostate, it hurt more than it pleased him, but his nerves went crazy and he trembled in a way he hated to experience. If he wanted to avoid death he had to stay on Dayson’s good side and have his team find him, if he prioritised avoiding sexual assault over life itself there were a myriad of ways to set him off, but that was not his need. Biting his lip and feeling fresh tears roll down the side of his face to soak the pillows beneath him, he faced the very real threat that he would be raped by this man. Spencer just tried to keep his anxiety low, focusing on breathing and sending his mind elsewhere but it was so much easier in theory. The stimulation, the pain, the risk, everything just too much.

Suddenly however, despite his best efforts, he felt Dayson stall and as much as that sounded like a good thing it was not, instantly terrified as he watched Gail’s dark eyes seem to struggle in his mind before in an instant the man snapped away from the bed angrily, his weight lifting from the agent and once busy hands left him. Assessing his captor Spencer could read it clearly that the closer they got to ‘consummating’ images and memories of Dayson’s abuse must have flared up, he looked so lost and like he might be nauseous, perfectly common symptoms but it was not a good sign for Reid’s probability for survival. 

“W-what’s wrong?” Spencer tried to ask in a concerned voice, his nervousness helping it to read that way though a little too urgent. The body langue was scary to see, hands were fisted into Gail’s own dark hair and pulling, a strained whimpering filling the room fuelled by desperation and anguish. “Dayson…please” Spencer said, finding the profiler in himself to speak clearly and deliberately “please tell me why you’re upset?”

“It…” Gail tried though his breathing was so unsteady it came out in a struggle “it’s supposed to be easy with you, _right_ …with you. Why do I feel…rotten? why…I-” and any coherent thinking devolved into crying and further pulling of his own hair. It was hard to watch, even worse when you're life lay in how well you could manipulate the broken serial killer, but Spencer couldn’t let him lose hope or else he would be faced with a murderous rage. 

Poor Dayson, believing his difficulty withs sex was due to being wrong, when actually he just never dealt with the abuse done to him by his teacher. With a gulp Spencer had to get Dayson away from thinking too hard on blame, no doubt after sitting with the ‘rotten’ feeling he may come to think the reason his remedy wasn’t working might lie with Spencer.“Dayson,” he said but wasn’t heard “Dayson” he repeated more firmly and tried to not stumble over his words however terrified he may have been “I need you to listen to me” in an clear but caring voice as the agent did his best to move and even sit up every so slightly.

While the dark haired man did look to him with a hurt expression he continued with a struggling voice, rushing through the words like he could barely breathe “it’s supposed to be good, I love you so much…what’s wrong with me, Spencer? The sacrifices I couldn't even touch there, but I still can’t…I can’t….” and a few violent sobs took over the man, and the agent racked his brain to come up with some way to de-escalate the situation while literally chained to the bed. 

“Dayson, shh” came the almost ridiculous attempt at soothing a serial killer and his own stalker, kidnapper and attempted rapist. The shushing wasn’t pushy or dismissive, almost like the comforts of a parent and slowly, with patience, the man at least appeared to be trying to calm down. Spencer made himself look to Dayson, showing a caring and soft expression however much force it took not to cry himself, wet tears still drying on his own skin as he did so. “Just focus on your breathing for a little while, come here for a moment and sit by me” and with a nod of the head Spencer directed him to the further side of the large bed - the side furthest from any weapons.

For a long moment, fear creeping up the agent’s neck that his attempt was a wrongful step, Dayson continued to cry and watch his ‘beloved’ on the bed, reading his face in a dazed manner, almost like a kid trying to learn what to do as they did something, and eventually the man did as asked. The relief in Spencer’s bones at just that attempt going well told him just how hard his heart was really beating as he then had to try and calm it, Spencer flashed a smile as Dayson sat on the bed and waited for guidance, before Spencer pulled again to sit up a little better, it was a long shot but body contact and language could help activate different parts of the brain and Spencer realised anything motherly seemed to help Dayson greatly, so he whispered “rest your head on my lap, Dayson, and just sit with me for a while.”

Luckily he did, the man’s body still shuddered as residual tension in his muscles made it hard to settle, but he did become calmer, the crying while it never fully stopped, the sobbing did. The tears flowed more out of emotional hurt, waves of it, than the crashing world around him from moments ago. Dayson’s head was laid on Spencer’s skirted thigh, in sitting up the fabric had lowered again much to Spencer’s preference. “I would comfort you better untied, Dayson” Spencer offered but was ignored again, but he had wished in this instance it could have worked, stoking the hair another comforting act that may help keep Dayson subdued. 

“I thought” Dayson started, his voice weak but trying to summon the words, confiding in Reid what he was feeling and despite all the pain done to him Spencer did find it in himself to feel sorry for him “in our marriage bed I would be…right, be good, but why don't I work, why can't I…I thought we would…” and again before the man could work himself into another breakdown the agent tried his luck with something risky but necessary.

“Dayson…do you remember Mr Richardson?”

* * *

‘Danger zone, Spencer, be real careful…’ thought Morgan and on a similar note the rest of the team thought too as they heard the abusive man’s name brought up. All agents forced to hear the heartbreaking struggles of their dear friend being assaulted they had felt like it couldn’t get worse, that was until Gail’s stressful break from fantasy and the very real risk of hearing Spencer killed by stabbing or gunshot made the agents, however work hardy, struggle to breathe. 

Of all things hearing Spencer try to shush and lull the serial killer to trusting and calming with him nothing short of miraculous and speaking volumes to Reid’s ability to handle frankly insane situations. Worse yet he could hear Hotch over the phone clarifying how Dayson’s false home in what a committed relationship can do will likely only lead to him snapping again, Spencer needs to handle every moment with incredible care. But as they listened to Spencer toe the line between ‘maintaining hope’ and trying to introduce the reality of his problems, that it wasn’t so simple to fix. Any wrong step could mean death.

Meanwhile Derek drove, hands tensed on the steering wheel, sirens blaring but would turn them off when nearing the destination, officers and backup close behind. The noises he'd heard from Reid enough to make hims see red but had to remain clear minded, Spencer needed backup soon and support able to help to the best of his ability. Not far now, but time felt like it was at a snails pace. 

* * *

“…you’re supposed to call him Liam” Dayson said, recalling the teachers insistence that Spencer use the man’s given name, the fact that he recalled that information as important after all this time it was likely considered to be a matter of worth or status.

“I don’t want to call him Liam, do you know why?” Spencer made sure to open the question up, priming his mind to accept information rather than sound harsh, the head on his lap shook slightly and a hand lay on the agent’s knee, fingers mindlessly circling the skin further trying to calm, it was a good sign. “Because he’s a bad man, a selfish man…who did terrible things to you.”

There was a pause and the hand ceased moving, lying heavily on exposed leg and a deep breath was taken in “why am I ruined, why can’t I be good?” came the therapists goldmine of childhood issues summoned in two questions. 

“You’re not ruined, Dayson,” Spencer consoled him, the comforting voice much more genuine now and easier to say, the only thing suppressed being fear, “you're hurt, it’s like an injury and you need to let it heal and recover.”

“But tonight…it wasn't supposed to go this way, I'm such a failure” and the man sniffed and breathed in a away that Spencer knew he was crying, hands were quick to wipe tears away to avoid wetting the skirt. This poor man needed help long ago, there was no excuse for what he had done to innocent men but at his core he was a broken child clinging onto a twisted form of hope.

“You’re not a failure, remember, in a committed relationship you have all the time in the world, you can’t fail so long as you continue and are willing persevere” using the teaching of the much referenced book to his advantage Reid further attempted to keep the man hopeful “and I think you’ll have happiness when you can recover from the hurt Mr Richardson did to you…it’ll take time…but I’m here for you.”

The hand resumed stroking Spencer’s his knee kindly, “I just want to be fixed” was whispered sincerely.

“It’s not that easy, I wish it was, but like I said…I’m here…” Spencer repeated and tried to keep his nerves in check when Dayson slowly sat up and kneeled on the bed, teary eyes looked to the brunette but they didn’t appear angry anymore. Slowly, almost shyly, Dayson closed the distance between them and kissed Spencer tenderly. One kiss turned into two, then three and eventually Spencer had to try and not count anymore, especially as they deepened. The double edged sword of telling Dayson to just _persevere_.

The whole horrible thing started over, hands spreading his legs and kneeling between them, shudders of fear taken as passion and soon enough molesting hands travelled down under the skirt, fingers entering him again and hurting him in ways more than just physical. A whimper couldn’t be contained and Dayson muffled it in the kiss, tongue suppressing any pained sound that threatened to escape. He knew most likely that Gail would fail again, as he felt the man tense and get in his own mind about to grow angry Spencer tried to preempt this when they parted, whispering “don’t put too much pressure on yourself, _my love…_ ” Spencer tried to sound encouraging and loving but it was hard to do with Dayson’s hands where they were, hurting him as they were and as scared as he was. Dayson needed years of therapy to address his problems and even then nothing was guaranteed, and Spencer knew he could only coddle a broken mind so far. 

Pulling away again, Dayson stood by the bed and grabbed the knife, Spencer immediately worried “Dayson, please…it takes time, please stay calm…”

“You’re good, you’re my love, this should _work_ …” Looking at Spencer, trying to figure out what no logic however mad could. Again the man frustratedly and desperately started to pull his own hair, breathing hard as he fought to not lose hope, incoherent noises made Spencer panic a little and strain against his ties. In an instant the dark haired man moved towards him with the blade near Spencer’s neck, with a fearful gasp and eyes instinctually screwed shut the agent thought the worst when no harm came. Instead he felt a tug on his wrists and Spencer’s eyes hesitantly fluttered open. 

He realised that Dayson was cutting his bonds freeing his arms, the blood rushing back into his hands hurt like a bitch but he took the opportunity to lower his arms with great relief. He never relaxed for a moment however as Gail knelt in front of him again and armed with a knife still dangerously close to his throat had the agent remaining still. Dark eyes looked into Spencer’s and he whispered “help me, _help_ me” the man repeated and his free hand guided one or Reid’s to his attacker’s crotch. It didn’t take a genius to figure out what he was wanting Spencer to do.

Shakily Spencer didn't fight, the gun too far away from his position to grab before Gail could have his throat cut, so running a hand over the clothed member and Dayson visibly relaxed a little before kissing again, Reid was sure to go slow to avoid triggering him but not too little for the man to get lost in his thoughts. The touches were soft but in a way he knew would be pleasurable bringing a breathy moan fuelled into their kiss. The feel of the hardening member under his hand, while it worked like what he was used to and even often excited by, here and like this it was something alien and wholly gross to the mind to interpret.

“Keep going, so good” Dayson moaned breathily into his ‘bride’s’ ear, the praise Spencer often sought like filth from the serial killer in front of him. Reid remained terrified as Dayson never let go of the knife. he gripped it more like a security blanket than an active threat but one more outburst and he might not be able to help what happens. Gail’s free hand moved Spencer’s other one to rest on the dark haired man’s shoulder before kissing him deeply, the tongue like a snake and the agent tried not to move. To anyone looking they might look like passionate lovers but nothing was further than the truth and Spencer felt another threat to his nerves, tears being held at bay by sheer will alone.

The most pathetic part of all of this was that Spencer’s analytical mind couldn’t stray too far and the first quote the agent had found seemed to apply to this whole case - to Dayson and to Spencer. ‘Feel, he told himself, feel, feel, feel. Even if what you feel is pain, only let yourself feel.’ He might have sobbed then, his strength wearing out, he couldn’t even be allowed to react naturally to being molested, allowed to fight without choosing death - everything in his life seemed to get twisted or wrong somehow. 

However just as he thought he might break, a tear rolling down his cheek, Spencer saw the slightest shadow under the room door and his heart skipped a beat, his team had figured out his location and Derek Morgan, true to his word, was here. ‘I’m here for you, just as ‘always’ as any trouble’ Morgan’s promise ringing in his mind. Spencer’s concentration on Dayson faded somewhat, hand slowing though he did distract his captor with a kiss he knew would be convincing to make Gail not focus on the slight shift, the room door unlocked from his return and opening slowly.


	9. Consolations

When Derek had arrived at the hotel he loathed to take his attention away from the audio known how quickly things could change in that room but time was of the essence so quickly and with back up shortly behind he infiltrated the hotel. Rather than kicking in the doors as he often loved to do he didn’t want to tip off Gail to his arrival so entered via window, Immediately knowing it had to be the right place by the bodies on the ground floor. As he silently made his way searching the rooms cautiously Morgan eventually followed the blood trail to a particular room, the wedding suite, and listened by the door. 

Hearing a breathy moan that wasn’t Spencer’s he felt his expression shift from determined to disgust but the anger just beneath the surface not leaving for a moment, he could even make out the faintest of words and as he tested the handle he was grateful it was unlocked, with his gun at the ready the agent slowly shifted the door open. First catching sight of the lamb, poor thing lay in a heap on the floor the whole room became exposed, eyes immediately drawn to the genius who’s eyes immediately matched his in a knowing exchange.

Reid’s arm appeared wrapped around Dayson’s shoulder, his wrist red and bruised, the other hidden from view but it was no mystery what he was being forced to do, the serial killer also kneeling between his captive’s thighs although he appeared clothed. From Dayson’s body and the wedding dress he couldn't see the most intimate areas but the mere proximity and implication made him want to shoot the bastard in the brain. but it was Reid’s eyes, open and staring past his attacker and watching boldly as Derek entered the room, back up officers remaining in the hallway, that told Derek just how strong his friend really was.

“Dayson Gail, this is the FBI, you’re under arrest and I need you drop the knife and step away from Dr Reid.”

* * *

When Derek had announced he was at the location JJ and Blake had returned to the room and the relief that washed over the team at the sweet sound of Morgan entering the room caused reactions around the den. They weren't out of the woods yet but the tears had fallen and now was time to end this, bring Spencer home and end this delusional killer’s spree once and for all. 

Garcia tore her eyes away from her station a short moment to look at JJ, seeing her face a little puffy from crying and both exchanged a friendly look, proud of their boys out there and wanting nothing more than for them to return safe and sound. Everyone focused on what they could hear and ready for this whole ordeal to be over.

* * *

On alert Gail turned and saw Derek Morgan, immediately moving to stand and grab the gun from the bedside table and kept the blade by a pale throat. The moment Gail had moved Spencer, while careful not to move too much, was relieved for the fabric covering him and moved into a less vulnerable position and keeping his own breathing calm, instantly safer in the presence of his friend. Spencer couldn't even think to be embarrassed for how he must look, too simultaneously relieved and concerned for the end game of this case.

Dayson looked livid, “what are _you_ doing here?” he spat furiously, pointedly angry at Derek having interrupted them. But alongside the fury was a sadness in his eyes, his resolve weakened and he would be incredibly difficult to manage now, most likely to end in death if they couldn't somehow talk him down.

“Gail, you need to drop your weapons…I don’t want to shoot you” which was partly a lie “I’m here because you are very sick and we can get you to the help you need but you need to let Dr Reid go” Derek said clearly, playing off of things he’d heard Reid already introduce to the crazed mind. The sight of Spencer being held at knife point made his blood boil not to mention the evidence of drying tears on his skin.

“Liar!” yelled Dayson pulling Reid closer, the blade tight in his hand in anger and dangerously close to the boy wonder's throat. 

Reid turned to Dayson, careful not to move his body and only turn his head, hazel eyes peering into the ill man’s dark ones “Dayson, he won’t hurt you if you do as he says, Derek’s telling the truth.”

Hurt eyes looked to Spencer, his movements jittery and his mind struggling to get words out smoothly “n-no…I see the way he looks at you, he wants…he wants to take you away from me,” his possessiveness adding to his rage, Morgan of all people given Gail’s assumptions adding insult to injury and tears started running down his face.

“Gail, we want to help you, Spencer agrees” Derek said calmly but sternly.

Dayson’s dark eyes switched from the agent aiming his gun and the young genius, eventually turning to Spencer long enough that the young brunette added “remember…I said that you were hurt, you need to recover, take time and get better, Derek has contacts who can help…y-you need to go with him” nerves getting the better of him by the end.

“ _You’re_ my help, my _only_ help” Dayson spoke through a clenched jaw, he looked betrayed, “and _this_ ,” he seethed pointedly towards Morgan “he wants you for himself.”

“H-he doesn’t, Dayson, Derek is just a friend, he…” Spencer tried gently but was cut off.

A hard yank with Reid’s body pulled more forcibly in front of Gail’s body and into standing, shielding him from Morgan though the other man did tense, the knife not piecing flesh but dangerously close, Derek slowly stepped to not loose complete aim on the man without getting too close and provoking him further. “Poor, innocent Spencer, how sweet,” he spoke in a low, quiet voice, truly scary to hear and so closely to his ear the young man felt himself trembling “but I can see it in his eyes, I’ve watched for long enough, heard him talk of you…as though he could ever understand you fully, like he’s worth your time…this _beast…_ ” and then his eyes looked especially wild, the situation telling him his plan had failed, loosing hope and as fresh tears flowed his anger finally aimed at the genius, “Why do you defend him so much?” was asked in an accusatory tone.

“Drop the knife Gail, I know you don't want to hurt Spencer…” Morgan said, lining up his shot slightly better and drawing the murderer’s eye to him and not the brunette. 

He could see the wheels turning in the attacker’s mind as the fragile man’s world shattered piece by piece, Morgan’s heart beating hard in his chest trying not to be too trigger happy but refusing to risk Spencer any more than necessary. Unfortunately Dayson was focused enough to know he needed a human shield, but his fantasy breaking in ways that were impossibly hard to process and he was likely furious and scared. It was then that Dayson stood, pulling Spencer roughly with him, Spencer needing to keep his nerves for his knees not to give up on him, but that wasn’t the worst of it. As the pair had moved so abruptly the bed shifted slightly along the floor and dark eyes fell upon the device under the bed…the phone.

“S-Spencer…what is that?” his voice cold then, feeling wholly abandoned and wrong, he let out a hurt whimper before it consumed him “this isn't how it was supposed to go, you’re _meant_ to be _mine_ , my love, committed to _me_ ,” furious and dangerous his grip on Spencer’s arm making him bite his lip to not voice the pain “but I…I see now… _you love him, that’s why…_ ”

The sad conclusion came to the genius, he had tried, he’d tried to save Dayson, to get him to seek help or to loosen his grip enough to make an arrest…but it was too late, the evidence of the phone a telling undermining of trust on Gail and as he felt the knife hand shake and the anger wrack through Gail’s body he had to accept that the only way out of this left Gail dead. He would either attack Spencer and both die…or Reid needed to give Derek the perfect shot. 

“You’re right Dayson,” Reid sending Morgan a look, one that told the agent of a shift in tactics and to trust him, he felt awful having to leave Gail to his own demise but like this, with Gail as volatile as he was, he was left with no choice. A small gulp and deep breath helped Spencer steady his voice, to sound sure as he replied “commitment is the answer…” he could feel dark eyes boring into him but didn’t turn to match them, instead he kept focus “just not with you, I’m sorry.” 

Dayson’s stared Reid up and down in some disbelief, and Derek wondered what the hell tactic Spencer was pulling, until he made it clear “it was Derek…so good to me, there with me…he told me how good things would be…to _forget_ you.”

Trembling and eyes welling up Spencer knew Gail was about to die, for all the abuse the man had put him through it hurt to know he had been so failed, Spencer had tried, he really did. Now in this state he wouldn’t be calmed before hurting someone…so maybe it was time for Dayson to get some rest, some peace. “I didn’t want to at first…but Derek is so _charming_ …he convinced me I’d have a better life with him.”

And just like that Gail fell for it, the man not so unaware that he didn’t know the moment he released Reid there was a clear shot…but the man wouldn’t care, but so filled with targeted rage at the man in front of him, SSA Derek Morgan, that he could only drop the knife to turn for the gun and move to get the best aim possible - Gail destined to be outdrawn. The moment that the grip loosened Spencer ducked away from the man and just before the ill man could fire the gun aggressively now in his hand Morgan fired his into the man’s chest, the loud bang making Spencer flinch and blood splattering across the wall.

Falling to the floor in a heavy thud, gasping and still holding the gun Morgan moved to disarm him and pull Spencer away from the dying serial killer but instead Spencer moved into action holding up his hand to halt the agent, kneeling by the body and first removing the gun and finding the knife on the floor, placing both on the bed and out of reach. Without a weapon and dying from the wound in his chest Gail was no threat anymore to anyone, Derek looked surprised for a moment but understood how there was room for sympathy for the sick individual, also thoroughly reminded of Spencer’s incredible resilience to be a good person by what he saw next. 

The man was struggling, the fierce red bullet wound in his chest seeping blood quickly, soaking his clothes and pooling on the floor, the rage was gone from the man and he seemed half dreaming and yet aware of his approaching demise. Hazy eyes desperately looked to Spencer, a pleading and oh so young look seeking comfort as the world faded in and out. Spencer gave a sad smile and guided the man’s head to his lap as he had done before, the man choking on blood building up and and he much like a child turned into the soft fabric, no longer caring about keeping the white clean as blood stained the garment, pooling around the agent's exposed knees.

Spencer still felt his nerves on fire, fear not having left him but he pushed through it to be there for Dayson in his final moments, try and be there for the man that was always failed time after time. He forced a smile as he gazed into dark eyes, luckily Derek read the situation and remained by the door quietly, keeping his voice low as he instructed officers by the door on their next actions. “Spencer…” came a weak voice, barely audible and struggling to find the air.

“Yes, Dayson?” Spencer said softly, sounding affectionate.

“I…I don’t…want to die alone…I don't want it to end” Reid felt his tears roll but ignored them, he started to trail his fingers through the man’s hair, comforting and reassuring him in the simple gesture and it seemed to relax him a little. The whole horrid thing, the sick young man dying in front of him, and he still felt pain more emotional than physical at what had been forced upon him by Dayson’s delusions - so stayed focused on Dayson’s pain for a while longer rather than his own. 

Then Spencer recalled the perfect thing to say to the scared man, with a gulp he found a voice tender for Dayson’s ears. “We all die alone. We shall endure death as once we endured birth. You can’t share either experience…” the sentence seemed cruel, but it was from The Children of Men and it made Dayson smile, dazedly but he smiled.

Derek didn't invade the space, just watched and was in awe of Reid, he'd just been held captive and abused by the man, and he still held empathy and kindness, and it was just a surprise as to how soon after he could deliver such comfort to another, in fact as he watched his friend he believed such compassion had never faltered through it. Every moment, he cared.

Dayson tried to speak but it was quiet, a gurgle in his throat but he struggled through it “I still…I still occ…need to…”

Smiling, Reid gave him what he needed to hear and in good fashion completed the quote the man was trying to voice “I still occasionally need to struggle but I now fear it less…” his voice incredibly soft and continued to stroke his hair until he watched Gail take his last breaths, passing while hearing only the warm words from Spencer “…the weapons I fight it with are also my consolations: books, music, food, wine, nature.”

Watching him fade away, Reid eventually ceased his coddling of the broken man, Dayson’s body still and dead eyes finally telling us it was over. Taking in a shaky breath, the events of the last while hitting him hard and emotion filled eyes and made his hands tremble, no longer motivated by kindness to Gail he could only focus on his own trauma then. Reid slowly became aware of his hands which had stopped stroking the dead man’s hair and had rested for a moment in the pool of blood, a few sharp breaths came and went before he in a fragile state brought them to his own hair, messily teasing out some of the flowers which fell to the puddle of scarlet below, blood-soaked fingers streaking red over a few strands of light brown hair. 

He endured the confusing feelings wash over him that despite his impossibly large vocabulary remained indescribable and just as he felt a panic seat itself in his heart he reliably found himself comforted by his friend. This time it was him to be comforted. Immediately to his side Derek focused on no one but Spencer, the bravest man in the whole world to him after what he had seen. Careful of Dayson’s body he lay him respectfully to the floor before pulling a lost and shaky Spencer into his own strong arms. Feeling the lithe man shiver and eventually cling over his shoulders, both ignored the blood and just held onto each other for a short while, some officers bustling about the scene and communicating with the ambulance outside. 

“You did so good, pretty boy…” and like the relief of everything finally still, okay for a while despite all the hurt crashed into the young genius and a quiet sob hit him, Derek just clung tighter, rubbing into the young genius' back and whispering words of praise and comfort before eventually saying the thing everyone wanted to hear “let’s get you checked over…and then _let’s get you home_.”

* * *

Listening from Garcia’s den the rest of the BAU sighed in relief, tears falling and a hum escaped the technical analyst at knowing her dearest people were safe once more, JJ moving to hug her from behind trying to contain her emotional sniffle as the two women leaned on each other in the vulnerable moment. A visible relaxing breath was let out after being held for too long, Rossi giving Hotch a subtle pat on the back to bring him out of his thoughts and Blake seated herself against the desk and ran fingers through her own dark hair trying to collect herself. 

In turn the agents exchanged glances, all emotionally exhausted but so grateful for the result considering the many moments of deadly risk. Their hearts practically stopped when they heard the icy tone at the discovery of the phone from Gail but between Spencer’s difficult decision and Derek’s support they had made it through the ordeal. Spencer was not unharmed, whatever trauma Spencer experienced they would be there for him, they’d get through it. 

After hearing Derek’s warm words to Spencer they eventually heard the protective agent pick up the phone, Morgan’s deep voice a comfort to them just as it was to Reid “hey, it’s over…I need to focus on pretty boy but I’ll get him home safe, okay?”

Garcia practically beamed with sparkling teary eyes and said “bring boy wonder back to us you beautiful man.”

A small chuckle filled the room, Hotch finding his voice to tell his agents sure words “well done, to both of you.”


	10. Rest

After tears had fallen and on shaky legs Spencer had leaned on his friend out of the building, guided out through the back so he didn't have to face the other victims of the hotel, eventually checked over by a medic but explained that he was relatively unharmed, at least physically. Spencer’s mind was far too busy and entirely blank simultaneously, half formed thoughts as quickly forgotten as they were formed, the only reliable feeling being the support and presence of Derek Morgan, an unmovable comfort. He knew from experiences like Henkel that words only went so far in telling a story, experiences and trauma were felt far greater than they could ever be described. So as terrible as the things done to him had been, with his nerves on high and scared in his bones still, Reid didn’t find himself too focused on the assault itself.

Of course being there in the moment had been awful, the gross sensations over his skin and the forced intrusions to his body still echoed through him. And he understood how such an evil act could affect people so horribly for so long in intolerably complex ways…regardless of the evils of man behind it, yet while he understood it, glimpsed at it…such anguish never struck him. His assaulter hadn’t felt entitled to his body, Gail had felt privileged. He wasn’t demeaned, he was held up as someone precious. He had not for one moment been in the presence of evil - only pain and illness.

Not a bit of that necessarily changed what occurred, but for Spencer, luckily it had influenced his mind’s response to it, no ghosts haunting him from the sexual element of his ordeal, his body felt no less than before and his rights no less valid. Perhaps most stressed was the very thing Dayson had been clinging to - hope. Reid was in no way suicidal, not even self loathing as many could become after such harsh experiences, but instead he couldn’t deny his unbelievable poor luck. The similarity of how he’d lost Maeve, killed by a jealous and obsessive unsub deciding to kill both in a murder suicide, now how Dayson was driven to death by shooting in jealousy and desperation, Gail had held every intention of shooting Derek if he’d been quick enough but also prepared to die trying. 

Why were people so driven to hold him high up as something special to such a cost? He knew they were both ill at the core of their problems, but still somehow Spencer seemed to bring it out of them, give them something to fixate on. He didn’t know what he felt, didn’t know what to think. He couldn’t be cursed, literally at least, but he found himself groggily starting to ask some hard, practical questions, or at least put them on his to do list. For the moment he just found great relief in knowing it, at least this ‘it’, was over. Unable to say there would never be another similar case.

Reid was able to get cleaned up, it had taken longer and a more exhausting process than expected given his nerves but also just the elements he’d forgotten. The dress was the first thing, he'd been given new clothes and had the blood removed, especially from his hair which he hadn’t realised was even there. He had completely forgotten about the makeup when Derek reminded him, so disconnected from how he must look that his friend had helped him wipe it away with a gentleness that grounded him more than any of the mess. Eternally grateful for the nonjudgemental, warm and reassuring nature of his friend in that moment.

He vaguely knew what the scene back at the hotel must look like, blood spilled and too many in body bags, but compared to the hell that would have been were Gail never caught? Anyone necessary to kill to maintain their ‘relationship’. witnesses, cops, anyone to stand in their way would have been killed, not to mention long term plans might have included stealing children. Even if he had killed Spencer in a violent snap at some point, the rampage the man would have been on would have taken so many lives. Or if the BAU had never taken the case, Spencer would have continued to obliviously make ‘targets’ for Gail, maybe Spencer would have been the one to find Michael’s body that day.

Derek’s mind was entirely on the young genius, he seemed in his own head which was to be expected. In his heart to some degree he felt a failure, the moment there had been a doubt to Spencer’s safety and how the unsub focused on him Morgan had felt the deep urge to not let anything happen to him, yet it had, Spencer an endless trouble magnet but there was no blame to be placed on the agents. They couldn’t have foreseen Gail’s crossing states, likely having a good guess that they’d be visiting the ex-teacher and that Spencer would be in attendance. The very idea of the dangerous man forcefully taking any part of Spencer that was not willingly given made him feel like punching something. The only relief being the honest voice towards the medics saying he was fine, mostly just bruised and having his wrists seen to, if the genius had been in any denial he would have heard it. 

Regardless any touch, be it a kiss or even a handshake forced on the genius Derek felt a protectiveness in his soul and he could only hope Spencer would be alright. Most of his time was spent just being there, making sure he drank water and was aware of his presence, hoping in any way it could bring him comfort. Spencer was shaken up still but nothing like what had happened in the room, how Dayson’s blood had pooled beneath them as the young man sobbed, letting the mixture of sadness and relief hit him full throttle. Derek was sure to tell him any chance given just how brave he had been, and how he did everything he could for Gail but only some of it was heard. After being sure of Spencer’s health, the man clean and dressed and his wrists bandaged up the pair could finally head home. 

The drive was quiet, Spencer mostly dozed, and Morgan had to force himself not to stare and just focus on the road. That boy something utterly incredible. How sweet he’d been after all the horror done to him. It was nothing short of angelic and Derek wished if only for a moment that he could take the pain away, despite how well the kid seemed to be holding up there was something he couldn't quite put his finger on. Something behind those hazel eyes, just that little bit fragile and ever so resilient.

Eventually the pair were on a much needed flight home, Reid entered first and sat by one of the windows and gazed tiredly out at the wing and runway, elbow on the armrest and head in his hand. Derek was careful, just in case the kid needed his space and asked softly if he could sit in the chair opposite him, a gentle nod all the permission needed before he took his seat. A comfortable few minutes were shared in silence while the plane took off, the lights were low and the now evening sky outside filling with beautiful colours and lights over the clouds. 

After a while Spencer could feel those warm eyes on him, they weren't piercing over overly watchful, almost like a nuzzle into the other's gaze they eventually found themselves looking at each other softly. “Talk to me, pretty boy” Morgan said in a tone that like magic told the young genius how safe he was, right here with the other man. 

They held a long look and both knew it wasn’t a simple request, Derek’s question more specific than it sounded as he tried to figure out what was going on in the genius’ mind. With a small smile Reid tried a simple “it’s nothing.”

“Spencer…there’s gotta be a ton going on in that brilliant brain of yours, you can talk to me.”

Spencer took in a deep breath and sighed, trying to formulate the jumble into something coherent “I wish…I wish Dayson had been able to get help” he said for a start, just getting that out taking some effort and it was only part of his struggle, Derek just nodded and waited for him to continue “…I mean before all that happened…how many times and for how long did that little kid get failed, then the teenager, then the man…” hazel eyes threatening to tear up again and he figured he had cried enough today and kept them from flowing. “Usually it’s a consolation that a killer is dead or locked up…but…it’s not.”

Derek leaned forward and made sure to have Spencer’s eyes locked on him as he spoke “you told me before that we have jobs because the world isn’t fair…” and indeed his own words filled his mind, the anguish and horrors in the world the very things that they worked on day to day, “but its because people like you give a damn that we’re in the right place doing what we do…and why it hurts so much...but that's also why it’s done as best as it can be.”

“Thanks Derek” the brunette said sincerely though it was still difficult to accept, it would take time for the ache of the wrongs done to fade “it’s allowed to totally suck though” he said with a slight smile, Morgan returning it understandingly “yeah…sometimes it is.”

Then he didn’t know how he knew or how Derek quite told him, but in the subtlest of body language shifts he knew the awkward inevitable question had to come, the look in dark eyes a deliberate warning of the subject “so what about you, I don't want to pry about what happened in there but…”

“He never…it was all hands in places” Reid managed to get out, trying not to downplay what happened but not wanting to go into detail either “…and…I’m okay…it was more like violence than sexual to me…I suppose when it isn't consensual that's exactly what it is…” 

Reid found it difficult to keep the eye contact then, not in shame as much as just fatigued but he listened to every word from his friend “I’ve wished countless times that no other kid will go through what I did, so believe me that I know just how Gail deserved so much better, but the moment he targeted innocent people and _you,_ especially you _,_ I had every right to feel what I felt, and I can tell you it was anger…but then…anger comes out of fear. Nobody likes being vulnerable…not like that…” and again the messy emotions made themselves known and Reid had to wipe away a rogue teardrop and meet those handsome eyes “I’m just relieved you’re safe now. But I need you to know it’s okay if you're not, and I want you to feel like you can talk to me if it can be that simple.”

“I know that…you’re a great _friend_ Derek” there was a slight crack in his voice in the word ‘friend’, to anyone it wouldn't have been anything more than the stress of the day and leave it there but both men knew individually there was a weight there…something to it…and both grew curiouser if it meant something to the other across from him. 

Derek at least felt comfortable that Spencer really did feel okay in regards to the abuse, it didn't linger on the flesh like could have, some crazy mixture of educated logic, powerful empathy and luck. The more he watched his teammate the more he was sure something was in the air between them, that it wasn't just his mind playing tricks on him. Unsure of how to get it out and in any way as something appropriate given the situation he just brought up what he could “Reid…also about…what Dayson said…”

“The whole us in love, you having eyes for me thing?” the young agent said, his mind there too, apart form a little guarded his tone totally unreadable.

“Yeah, Spencer I…” Derek started, not entirely sure what to say but knowing at minimum it had to be addressed, his nerves suddenly hyperactive and worried he might make a wrong step.

“Don’t worry, he was delusional…” Reid dismissed but he worried his lip and Morgan had to trust his gut that he was right, that it wasn’t just in his mind “I just went along with it so he wouldn’t-”

“Spencer…” Derek drew his attention, maintaining a soft yet pointed gaze “now isn't the time…I don't know what time is the right time…but I’d be a really bad friend if I…”

“ _Derek?”_ Spencer’s voice shook in a scared way, Derek having just spoken of vulnerability saw it in full swing, the young genius looked surprised but being able to read one another his mind was likely going a million miles a minute. For a moment Morgan worried he had misjudged it…but then Spencer probably wouldn't have known what he was even referring to if he didn’t think on similar lines. If so, if Spencer had feelings for Derek as he did for Spencer, while the ideal scenario would be big smiles and falling into one another arms like it was the easiest thing in the world, instead that vulnerability visible in the genius’s expression was the likely sign he was right. Too scared to hope it was real, too hopeful to dismiss what could be wonderful.

Derek let out a breath he didn't even know he was holding, “you know what I’m talking about, Spencer…when you're recovered, fully, we need to talk about this.”

“Wh…you can’t be serious….you wouldn't joke about that” came the quietest voice, he could see the uneven breathing in the young agent and knew the feeling hurt, as it had panged many a time in Derek’s own chest, only mixed with what had to be a lifetime of insecurities and now more recent ones. And worse yet Spencer was still cryptic, afraid to say it out loud in case he was just confused, but Derek’s gaze said everything. Spencer deserved to know the truth, he was no china doll but he wasn’t invincible either so after a tense moment of silence Derek summoned a different kind of bravery than he was used to and spoke.

“I’ve had feelings for you for so long…” and the weight of those words made both feel like they were falling, it was said, out loud, and even the suave Derek Morgan got a little welled up over just how strongly the action affected him. “I really do love you Spencer” came the sweetest sounding admission and Spencer’s mouth opened as if to speak but no words came, hazel eyes searching for any hint that it wasn’t some dream or trick, meanwhile Derek knew he was heard but had to balance truth with responsibility given the days events. “But don’t you answer that right now, you need time whether you accept it or not and… _I don't want to lose you_ as a friend, you can tell me I’m the last guy on earth you'd get romantic with but I still want to be…us.”

Reid couldn’t believe it, with the way his heart was racing you’d think he was being shot at, but no, he felt drunk, like he had to be for the world to make sense, for such strong emotions to be appropriate, for such words to be said…to be heard. Insecurities flared, but Derek looked at him so earnestly, nervously. How did THE Derek Morgan want him? How did he want the awkward lanky geek with the hand eye co-ordination of a blind ferret? He’d have laughed if it wasn’t so painful. After knowing about the casual lovers, the mess that was this very case, the state Reid must have been in earlier? And yet as little as he understood it, he couldn’t convince himself to listen to the negative voices…Morgan was interested in him. Morgan. Morgan doesn't want to lose him either, he could see like a neon sign the fear in him that it would happen again. 

“Even after everything, the partners, Maeve, Dayson…the fact I'm cursed?”

“You’re not cursed kid…” Derek tried, but at least Reid’s response wasn’t angry, it could have been and he’d be perfectly right and even normal given the day’s events, but instead he was just curious, trying to piece the puzzle together just right.

“You sure about that?” the brunette asked rhetorically, but then those eyes glistened, the reality hitting him and no longer dazed “Derek, _why me_?”

The question was so _bare_ , Spencer asking him because at his core, because he couldn’t piece together an answer and it hurt to know his boy genius, as wonderful as he was, didn’t know even a whisper of why he was wanted, that he could be held dear by someone like Morgan. So Derek gave as direct and naked an answer back “ _…you’re my pretty boy_ ” was said as thought the simplest truth in the world. It wasn’t just a nickname, it encompassed all the warmth and experiences between them, what they _meant_ to each other.  “Trust me…you’re all I could ever want” Derek’s voice trembled “and…once you’re back on your feet, when we can properly talk about this…if then you decide it’s right, I’d happily spend my time telling you all the reasons _why you_.”

How was this real? Did Morgan really just confess long harboured feelings for him? It was the most surreal feeling to be faced with, and with the way Derek looked at him, his words sounded dedicated and he hadn’t said anything casual earlier, he’d mentioned to ‘be romantic with’. A real relationship. To be a couple. Slowly Spencer found himself nodding, he thought he would jump to the chance, and while his tummy was a flutter with butterflies he was too fragile at the moment and needed time to be on better footing. In the back of his mind though, he knew, they both knew, what kind of conversation would follow this even if it took some time for it to happen. and a small smile passed over both men.

A small uneasiness made itself known, the tiniest jolt of fear at the idea. The idea of actually having the man of his dreams, his best friend and wonderful human being Derek Morgan in his life? Spencer has had joy before, in short bursts but they were there, one by one they all fell away or were taken in some fashion. His most reliable being friendships in the team and his godson. Spencer could handle some loneliness, it was hard, but it was doable, to lose someone again? To lose Morgan? 

“Derek?” came the quietest voice, his friend half surprised to hear him speak again.

“Yeah?”

“What if it happens again? The curse…” 

And there is was, what this case with Gail really opened up for Reid, that had already been sensitive, and now the reason for his hesitance was crystal clear. Rather than just blurt out blind optimism to try and make him feel better, Morgan answered him directly and realistically leaning forward in his seat a little. “I was there in the room with you with Gail, I held you when you cried about Maeve…if this ‘curse’ happens again I’m still gonna be there facing it with you regardless of what we are to each other, any choices between us is just that, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say you don't want to stop being friends just out of fear, same goes for anything else we could be.”

A sigh left the young genius, his nerves fried from the day but an unbelievable positive turn had come from the chaos, however confusing it may be, but a nervous part of him as also excited and so he just took it all in before saying a sincere “thanks for being there…today and every day.”

Derek flashed that handsome smile of his and it only brightened his mood more, “no need to thank me…get some rest Reid, I’ll be right here when you wake up” and after some soft exchanged looks, some shifting in seats and getting comfortable, eventually the young genius managed to fall asleep.

* * *

_**dream**_

_Derek’s voice was like velvet, it didn’t matter what he was saying, the cool vibes the man naturally brought just by existing, chatting away to Penelope “baby girl” Garcia on the phone, just gossiping and teasing as they did so. The voice was like air, surrounding them and refreshing to the soul, any little laugh or joyful comeback to make anyone smile. The agent sitting on the sofa relaxedly watching sports on the television though not really paying attention, despite his distraction he glances to his side and wraps a strong arm around the boy genius, pulling the lithe man closer against his muscled body. Spencer was reading, or rather re-reading poetry, but had not turned a page in some time, just meditating in the sensations of the moment, the plush cushions under him and the grain of the paper under his fingers, but most of all his lover. The heat of the handsome man, the strength in that arm a comforting weight around him, making him feel so safe he could hide nestled against the man forever._

_They weren't doing anything together, except just being themselves and doing their own thing - together. A quiet moment so desperately needed it could only be cherished by the young man, taking it in for all it was and he felt silly for a moment just how much it seemed to overwhelm him. To be happy. As though reading the ache in Spencer’s soul for indulgence in the moment a sweet kiss was pressed to his messy hair and eyes glistened awash with feeling loved._

_Slowly the words filtered through a hazy mind, Derek rambling about how much of a handful Spencer was, jokingly of course and flashing that dreamy smile teasingly, taking a playful slap to the arm for his cheek from the genius. The domestic bliss something so precious it hurt, so deeply sweet it made it hard to breathe sometimes, happiness building itself into his life and heart piece by piece and simultaneously understanding the rewards of such a vulnerability and all too graphically how the heart could shatter. Yet that pang, that jubilant tightening of the chest, he didn’t want to be without it. Greedily wanting that feeling over and over again, brave enough to be vulnerable if only to taste this emotional sunshine more and more._

_**end dream**_

* * *

“Hey, Reid…hey, you alright?” came the concerned voice of Morgan, those warm eyes watching him with concern as Spencer stirred awake, a warm hand on Spencer’s arm.

Blinking awake Spencer realised they were still on the plane and caught Morgan’s worried gaze and he must have been active in his sleep to cause a little worry, “y-yeah…” he managed to get out dazedly.

A watchful Derek remained worried for his friend, partially afraid he’d added to any stress on the young man, he hadn’t seemed frightened in his dream but he had whimpered quietly, tears wetting his cheeks, Spencer himself only just now realising the state he was in, discovering the evidence of crying he wiped it away on his sleeve. “It’s okay if you're getting nightmares or if memories are coming up in your sleep, y-”

“It’s not that…” Reid got out in a raspy, tired voice, but it wasn't sad, the tone unlike anything Derek had heard from his friend before, and as he watched the last of the tears be wiped away Spencer smiled - so it hadn’t been a nightmare after all. “For once in my life…I’m not crying over the sad things.”

* * *

Over the next few weeks Reid had in many ways addressed what happened to him, he’d seen the necessary therapist and completed the reviews and evaluations for his job, passing with flying colours as to be expected. And although he had been honest when talking about his assault he hadn’t quite felt right discussing what had really shaken him - the greater issues with trusting life wouldn't fuck him over with relationships more so than fear of any attacker on his own person, whatever way that might be. 

He faced the natural guilt that came with being associated with people’s deaths, none of the men had deserved to die, but it wasn't his fault, that fact he eventually had to accept. What helped him most was actually just getting home again and visits from JJ and Henry, showing magic tricks and indulging in the more innocent and warm areas of daily living. That pang at domestic bliss all too familiar now, although it was only a dream so far, it felt far more in reach. Derek called regularly, never dropping by without announcing first so not to pressure him into addressing what he wasn’t ready to, the conversations were friendly and not anything forward. 

It still baffled him that Derek Morgan, whom he'd only ever seen hook up with countless stunning women, could take even the slightest of romantic or sexual interest in him. But if there was one certainty in his friend he could use to ground such disbelief it was that Derek was a good man, a loving man and that Reid had nothing to fear in the man’s company. He had returned to work and despite the secret shared between he two agents it didn't come up, Morgan just glad to see the young genius back and their friendship stronger than ever, both relieved at how easy it was.

But amongst all of this there came a morning, it was unusually chilly but the sky beautiful streaks of colour that day, that Spencer found himself standing on frosty grass in a quiet place. With no living family of Gail’s and no one to contact, Spencer had paid for the man’s burial. And it was on this morning that Derek had offered to attend and visit the headstone with his friend, a steady comfort in the cold.

“You know he’d be mad that you're here” Spencer said, voice carrying in the crisp air, his tone was neutral, just something factual about the dead man.

“I’m not leaving you here alone, kid…besides…a _well_ Dayson Gail might not mind so much” Derek said kindly, both exchanged a look and Spencer couldn’t deny the point his friend made. Letting out a sigh, breath in small white puffs in the cold, the genius felt a firm hand on his shoulder, Morgan his rock no matter how crazy or confusing the situation. Both looked to the headstone and read his name and dates, a bittersweet smile on Reid’s lips as he read what else had been engraved, he had chosen it after all so he wasn’t surprised, but it said a lot. ’Sweet Man, Good Son, Eternal Romantic. Rest In Peace.’

“I just wish I could tell myself I did him any sort of right” Spencer mumbled so quietly Derek almost missed it, but after defining the words he gave Reid’s shoulder a squeeze.

“You did,” Derek reassured him “we both know in his final moments he forgot all the pain…he just got to think of you and smile.”

An uneven breath left the genius and both knew he was tired of crying, so instead he distracted himself with a slight fidget. Spencer from his pocket pulled out the wedding ring, Dayson’s mother’s ring, and Derek’s expression fell completely soft. The engagement ring had been taken into evidence and Gail was buried wearing his father’s wedding ring, Spencer however legally, technically, had been given the wedding ring as a gift and he had the right for it to be returned to him, it was a conundrum what to think of the item but it was understandably not ideal for it to sit and gather dust in dark evidence shelves.

“I can’t wear it, disingenuous to…but I think he’d want me to keep it, is that weird?” Spencer asked, genuinely a little lost.

“Given the circumstances…I think it’s nothing short of incredible” and both smiled to each other, a meaningful gaze shared between them and a little peace seemed to fall over the cemetery as it rightly should. 


	11. Pretty Boy

Several cases after the Dayson Gail incident, wounds were healed and back into the proper rhythm of things, it was one unassuming works night out that had tipsy agent after tipsy agent drinking and laughing, pulling one another onto the dance floor and letting go for a night. Everyone was drinking which was new, though the good doctor in moderation, everyone relaxed and comfortable enough to just focus on some fun. There was something new this night, but it was quiet, like their own little secret, that both our boy genius and chocolate thunder only new. While Garcia worried that her dear friend wasn’t himself having rejected many a hot lady angling for his number, to dance or get a drink both knew why and gave no answer. Spencer and Morgan didn't know what changed exactly, but the last few days, the panic from before had settled, and the gaze was heated, stronger now. Spencer in a better place to focus on what he really wanted.

Derek was forthcoming with the compliments and pet names, nobody thought it out of place for the affectionate man, while Spencer’s were jokier and light, both found themselves watching each other across the table, heartbeats quickened and neither pulling away from the intense connection. The tension remained, both fully aware this thing between them wasn't as simple as a date, it wasn't as simple as giving something a go - they loved each other, in so many ways, it was a decision to be made with care because once made there was no way escape the repercussions unaffected. 

Spencer had been dragged to the dance floor at some point, danced sweetly with JJ first, before another with Blake while JJ had moved to dance with Garcia who had just finished hers with Derek, the bubbly blonde still curious about her friends reluctance to flirt or be his usual player self. However almost by accident the two were thrust to each other on the dance floor, when Blake moved to ask Hotch for a dance which would take time to convince him. Morgan gave a small smile to warm Spencer’s heart, music and people a blur in that small moment before the older man moved forward, both lost in the shuffle of people, just looking at each other, both trying to steady their breathing.

Derek held out a hand and after a pause Spencer took it, he was smoothly pulled into a dance that from the outside might be seen as platonic or friendly, instead the pair knew the look in the others eyes was anything but, something simultaneously heated and hesitating. Spencer not really sure how to dance but the muscular man knew just how to lead him, his embrace was so warm, and soon enough the two swayed and melted into it like in their own little space and nothing else mattered.

Both agents had spent weeks working through their feelings, the writing on the wall yet it was still scary, they trusted no one else more than the man holding him right now but to even take a step forward realistically meant diving in. They loved each other. ‘In love’ laced through their relationship too, warily so but it was there and both knew to indulge even a little would mean falling fast or to face full throttle how far gone they were already. 

“Pretty boy, talk to me” came the soft low tone from Morgan against the genius’ ear, hot breath and gravelly voice running a shiver up his spine.

Smiling and letting himself be pulled flush against the larger man, arms over Derek’s broad shoulders, feeling safely surrounded by him he practically hummed “I’ve thought about it.”

“And..?” 

Taking in a shaky breath Spencer spoke, doing his best to be clear through a confusing subject, being so important to both of them he handled it with care “we’ve both been casual with others, I can’t and I don't want to be casual with you, I love you and if we step into that kind of relationship,Derek…it’s serious…” at a loss of where to go, he knew what he wanted, it was just scary to actually have it after all this time.

Nodding Morgan pulled him even closer, a reassuring squeeze and spoke sweetly “I thought the same, if you’ll have me…with you, that’s what i want.” 

Pulling back enough to look Spencer in his hazel eyes, the lights of the bar playing off his pretty face and he tenderly tucked a a wavy lock of hair behind the young man’s ear to see him better, admiring the man in front of him and holding the gaze. When the tension finally gave away and Spencer spoke it was a vulnerable moment “I keep…thinking in my mind another unsub’s gonna mess this up and…Derek…I…I can handle that I lost Maeve, it was awful but I withstood it, but _I can’t lose you._ ” 

Brown eyes communicated all the patience and warmth in the world before the handsome agent spoke equally as honestly “Spencer…in our jobs I can’t promise invincibility, I've seen you run head first into danger too…but…so long as there is breath in my body, I don't care if I'm crawling on my belly over glass…I will do everything I can to come home to you” and his expression conveyed his sincerity and seriousness and Spencer found himself smiling, it was still scary, but good things can be scary too, it didn’t mean they weren't worth being brave for. “I’m done pretending this isn't where we're meant to be” Morgan said and one hand stroked Spencer’s hair before resting there, both content in each others arms. 

Almost shyly after all this time and many confessions, Spencer didn’t want to wait anymore, any more caution only denying the truth and delaying hopefully amazing things, “if…” taking in a shaky breath he finally said it “if that’s what you're ready for…I am too” Spencer heard his own voice and it was almost overwhelming, accepting this happiness, but the swell in his chest was only joy when he saw Morgan smile and his expression so bright he wondered how he ever waited in the first place. 

The hand in his hair moved to caress his cheek, their heated gaze never wavering when so quietly Morgan whispered “may I kiss you?” both still so new to this shift in their relationship. With the smallest of nods and butterflies in his tummy Spencer’s eyes fluttered closed as finally, after far too long, his lips were claimed in a kiss. There was an ache, deep in their bones as their overdue contact overwhelmed them, something simultaneously thoroughly innocent and hungry. Derek tasted like warmth, spices and sweetness, while Spencer was fresh with the hint of coffee and sugar. Spencer’s own hands found their way to Derek’s head and deepening the kiss, any kissing expertise out the window, the aim not to seduce, and only on instinct the pair melted into one another. 

From the table it was Rossi who noticed first and quietly drew the other’s attention into the crowd, amongst the swaying people Morgan and Reid’s embrace could be seen from time to time, the emotion and significance of what was happening between them impactful as the team realised just what they were witnessing. JJ’s mouth dropped but with a smile, Garcia shocked but excited, stuttering trying to get her mind around her friend’s not-so-secret-anymore reason for his odd behaviour came to light and what an awesome revelation it was! One by one the team came to terms with the endearing display and felt a happy hum fall over them, a million questions that they had could wait for now, letting the pair have their moment. 

* * *

As the friendly night at the bar grew on, knowing smiles from the team but nothing outwardly invasive about what they saw beyond Penelope half dragging Derek away at one point for answers, JJ finding a moment to give Reid a side hug and show a sincere smile for her friend, happy for him and, while still confused by the development and how no one saw the signs, everyone thoroughly excited. The pair had stayed until one by one people left and it was just them. There was a softness to their night after getting past the most tense moment, lots of smiling and gentle touches, chaste almost, which given their prolific natures in partners spoke volumes about their partnership and cherishing of the other’s company. Careful, no rush. 

So as the pair felt the night come to an end they left the building and walked into the night streets under lights turning the world to a sepia landscape and they walked a little ways to the taxi rank together in a cute sway and holding of hands. It went without saying between them they weren't jumping into bed together, they had a lot to adjust to, and despite all the years of knowing each other there was one thing they really had to get used to.

“Ask me” Spencer said, a soft smile and and Derek chuckled at the cheekiness.

“Spencer Reid…” Morgan started, grinning at how adorable the two grown men were being, even more so when the genius chimed in with a reminder of “it’s ‘doctor’”, the smarmy thing, Derek only grinned wider and corrected to “Dr Spencer Reid, would you do me the honour of letting me take you on a date?”

In their friendly joshing Spencer took his time, deliberately teasing by pretending to give it some serious thought before answering “well…since you asked so nicely, I’d love to” and with bright smiles and heavy hearts they had taken the first step in a committed life together, it was small but so, so significant. 

“You're going to be the end of me, pretty boy.”

* * *

For two men of their prolific histories they did take their time settling into the new relationship, they knew each other so well there was a lot to talk about, no conversation unweighted by their familiarity and love for one another unshakable, but it wasn't a strain to wait, of course they would wait for one another, for it to be right and what was a little longer after all this time? They talked in ways that some married couples couldn’t, from Derek eventually admitting he felt intimidated by Maeve because he wasn't a genius, Spencer comforting not with thoughtless flattery but instead that he never needed to be, and how Derek was brilliant in ways that intimidated Spencer too. Not to mention how mind bending it was that Morgan was intimidated at all. Spencer equally shared that he couldn't have ever fathomed Derek could take interest in him as he was, a stream of beautiful women, and only women, before him. 

Derek admitted that Spencer was his first same sex relationship, however invested or brief, he’d always been open to the idea, it just never became anything, and while Spencer voiced his insecurities in attractiveness by comparison to the man’s previous exploits the way Derek looked at him left no room for doubt for how desired he was. The teams reactions were an excited but respectful buzz, Penelope’s curiosity no where near satiated as she pushed Morgan for answers, eventually they had a besties night in and gossiped, mostly about Derek’s own coming to terms with his feelings over the years and when he confessed to Spencer. 

Their relationship fit comfortably in with the team, neither unprofessional, cases going as normal though the odd moment of high risk did make them determined to get through it even more than before. The only differences being their off time, the planning of dates and talking about movies watched together and the odd teasing was all there was. Most adorable was falling asleep on the jet, Spencer often cuddling into Derek’s side or on his strong shoulder, snoozing peacefully and Derek when tiredness got him leaning back on his genius affectionately.

It was on one friendly visit to his godson Henry, helping him with a school project and having fun, that JJ asked him his side of things, how he’d had feelings for Derek for years, how the man seemed so obviously heterosexual and out of his league he’d never thought to even try, certainly hadn’t been brave enough to, and when Derek confessed how he had to focus on circumstances at hand and facing how that would effect their friendship. JJ was full of smiles for him, proud of all he’d overcome, her friend finally in a place for happiness. 

* * *

Spencer stood alone in his apartment, stalled in reading his third book of the day, killing time until his date with Derek later that day. He was still getting used to this, the safe feeling in his chest, cared for by such a wonderful man to the point he thought sometimes he must be carried away in a nice dream. It lingered still, the fear, the worried little voice that it could all go wrong…but he had to believe. It was worth believing. It was worth the letdown if for a moment of happiness with Morgan. It felt too good sometimes, like it couldn’t possibly be real, but he was done running away from scary truths just because of the uncertain world they were in. Choices could be made, and he chose happiness. 

Finishing his reading he stood from his armchair and returned the hefty book to its rightful place and thought about another or whether to get ready for his date early, but his hazel eyes fell on a small box he kept on one of the many bookshelves in his apartment. It was high quality but not overly ornate, aged, one of the few things his mother kept of her parents’ things and she’d given it to him. It was from an old collection of jewellery inspired by works of classic literature, an almost childlike series and while the jewellery was long gone the inscription on the lid said ‘when you can't look on the bright side, I will sit with you in the dark’ in worn silver lettering. He never felt right keeping the more traditional tokens in it, a far more bright and lovely box in his bedroom contained movie stubs from dates, photographs and other keepsakes, but this one…in his life he eventually found item after item to place inside of it.

Opening it carefully, it’s hinges not what they used to be, and inside he saw several bittersweet items to ponder over. He had the pen he’d signed with for his mother to be committed when he was 18, a reminder that sometimes things were just too big to handle on your own…and while hard that was also okay. He had the bullet that had been removed from his knee the first time he’d been shot, a reminder of a moment he overcame a disadvantage, keeping a target safe despite so much against him. He had his sobriety chip from his troubles with drugs after the Henkel case and overcoming them, reminding him that the challenge however hard he could fight…and it was worth the fight. He had the receipt from the book for Maeve, reminding him that connections don't end by absence and that to let go wasn't the same as failure. And finally he wedding ring from Gail, the reminder to see the good no matter the pain, and to hope for better, however many times it takes.

He needed to see these reminders sometimes, just like the kinder tokens kept elsewhere, that the darkness, while ever present, woven into everything, that they helped shape people or how people shaped their problems. How in the most challenging and hopeless of times there stands bravery, resilience and empathy. They were weirdly inspirational items, for all they were hard to look at sometimes, they were there for a reason, and he was sure more would join them in future. 

Spencer looked at the pen reminding him of his mother and while he didn’t remove it he did gain an idea, closing the lid and putting it back in its place he moved to his desk and pulled out his letter stationary. With a deep breath he set about writing to his mother, he’d held off telling her until that uneasiness managed to rest in any way comfortably and through Derek’s sweetness and dedication he got there, ready for tomorrow, and to commit his heart, his hopes, that there _will_ be tomorrows. 


End file.
